Rating : G
Spoilers : none
Summary : Vampire-spoof on MTV’s ‘pimp my ride’.
First posted : ff.net, January 2009
Disclaimer : The characters are not mine, no money is being made and no infringement is intended.
Pimp My Fridge
Everything looked like this was going to be another ordinary night. Slater got up, stretched, and walked to his kitchen, pouring a mug of blood from a thermos flask that stood by the sink. He took a sip, rinsing his mouth with it and gurgling in the back of his throat before swallowing it down. He almost choked as he heard the knock on his door, and coughed loudly to clear his lungs. Setting the mug down, he hurried to the door. Who would be calling at this hour?
On the other side of the door stood a tall, stocky vampire in a shiny purple nylon suit, trainers and a black hat. Behind him was a crew of camera men. As Slater opened the door, the vampire flashed him a toothy grin, his gilded fangs glittering in the light of the hallway. Slater opened his mouth and squealed with delight, throwing his arms up in the air and jumped up and down.
"Oh my god!! You are D-Man!" he shouted enthusiastically. The cameras were rolling.
"That's right," said the vampire in the nylon suit, "D-Man is the man. Do you know what I am here for, baby?"
Slater had both hands in his hair and was oggling D-Man and the camera crew like he still couldn't believe they were real.
"Did my friends sign me up for this?" he asked.
"Yo. They said that your freezer is so old, it can't even keep a popsicle from melting." D-Man accentuated each syllable of his words with a jab of his bejewelled hands in the air. He then turned around to his crew.
"Hang on," he said in a normal voice and without gestures. "Can we do that again? My timing was off." The camera guys nodded, counted down, and did a retake.
"Yo. They said that your freezer is so old, it can't even keep a popsicle from melting." D-Man crossed his arms in front of his chest. Slater looked down on his feet.
"That's true, ," he admitted. "Its really crappy and old."
"Then let D-Man in and show him the beast!" D-Man said, raising his hands in the air dramatically.
As they stood in front of Slater's freezer, D-Man covered his face with his hands.
"What the hell is that thing?" he yelled, outraged. Slater grinned self-consciously.
"I got it from my grandmother when I moved out," he said apologetically.
"It smells like she's still in there, man!"
The small freezer was dented on one side, and had a thick rim of ice around the edge. The plastic sealant was yellow and cracked.
"How do you even fit in there?" D-Man asked.
Slater gave the crew a demonstration, climbing in and crouching inside, reaching out to draw the lid closed. D-Man shook his head.
"Get out of there, man. You know what we're gonna go?"
"Pimp my fridge?" Slater said eagerly.
"Damn straight. We're gonna work this baby over so badly you won't recognise it any more. And while we work, you go and get yourself some chill-time in the club, man. Here's two tickets to the Iceage, courtesy of VTV, Vampire Televison on Cable."
"Ooooooooh!"
They did three more takes of Slater receiving the tickets to the vampire club, and then set to work.
Slater was standing in his room, a blindfold tied over his eyes. Cameras were rolling. He was clenching and unclenching his hands nervously.
"Do you remember when we came to your place, Slater?" D-Man asked unnecessarily. Slater nodded.
"Your freezer was like a dumpster! It was frightening! But look at it now, baby..." D-Man took off Slater's blindfold, and Slater's jaw dropped to the floor. A huge industrial freezer with a sleek, shiny finish stood on a pedestal in the middle of the room. The camera projected a 'before / after' image over the screen.
"Here's what we did," D-Man's voice-over sounded, as the cameras zoomed in and out on the freezer. "Your old freezer was so small it gave us a cramp just to imagine getting in there. So we broke out the back wall and elongated it with a triple isolated cabin making not only room for you to stretch your legs, but also...to chill out with some freshies."
"Woah..." Slater said.
"But that's not all. While we were at it, we updated your icebox to a self-cleaning, auto-defrosting, industrial top-standard, going down to -50 degrees Fahrenheit. Frostbite was yesterday, Slater!"
"That is so awesome."
"Now, because you're a bit of a retro-boy, we kept the finish kind of old-school white enamel...but check this out, Slater. Hit the lights!"
The lights in the room went out, and a blacklight went on. On the surface of the fridge, fluorescent blue and green shapes and twirls glowed up in psychedelic patterns.
"Oh. My. God," stammered Slater, and he walked up to the freezer, running his hands over the sleek finish.
"Your freezer has been airbrushed by our very own paint-artist Mercury," D-Man said, and a vampire wearing a muscle shirt stepped up to the freezer, his arms and chest covered in tattoos.
"I designed this just for you, man," Mercury said. "No one else in the world has a paintjob like this."
"Thank you so much," Slater said, in awe. "I love it!"
"Now that we've seen the outside, why don't you open it?" D-Man pressed a small remote into Slater's hand.
"No way!" Slater exclaimed, looking at the remote.
"Way, dude," D-Man replied, "Push the button!"
Slater did so, and the lid of the fridge opened automatically, with a dramatic hiss of hydraulics and clouds of steam. Slater hopped from one foot onto the other and walked up to the large freezer. He blinked.
"Is that a DVD screen?" he asked, looking at the inside of the lid.
"That's right. You got your dvd-player and card-reader over here..." D-Man pointed at the hidden slots at the side of the side wall, "your dolby surround system, and a specially designed backlit LCD screen that generates no heat and won't fog up with the lid closed. And tell me, Slater...what's an icebox...without an Xbox?!" D-Man pushed a hidden storage on the side wall and took out a wireless silver Xbox controller. Slater looked like he was about to faint.
"And finally, should you get hungry while you chill, this little compartment over here can hold your bottled blood at any temperature between 32-100 degrees Fahrenheit, without affecting the settings on your actual crib. What do you say?"
Slater shook his head, unbelieving.
"Thank you, D-Man and VTV!"
Josef hit the remote and threw it on Mick's couch. "An Xbox console in your freezer. That's ridiculous," he mumbled.
"You're just jealous," Mick said, stretching leisurely and hanging back on the couch.
"I could get that if I wanted to," Josef replied petulantly.
Mick grinned and nodded at Josef's empty glass. "Another O+?" he offered.
"Yeah. 'Date my sire' is up next, I want to watch that."
