Moonlightaholics

Thanks, Grace. If it's any consolation, it chokes me up a bit too.

Red

Oh... good lord.

Oh my. Mick in between hope and despair. I guess Josef was seeing what a toll it took on Mick and couldn't take it anymore, so he tried this plan. But with what we know about his plan and how it came out, this is heartbreakingly sad. What a sacrifice. Mick is appreciating the efforts, but he can't help being on edge. It makes me sad.

Mick, hope and despair in one package!! It's a very long road. Beautifully written and so Mick!!!!


mitzie

Definitely the hardest ones to read so far purely because we all know the outcome.

Great letters Red.

allegrita wrote:Oh... good lord.

Oh dear. I hope that's approval and not horror, alle....

francis, it's sad for everyone. Happiness has a price....

Thank you, mitzie, that's very kind.

Red ML

coco, thank you, sweetie.

Red

I've finally had the chance to catch up on these. It's taken me so long because I wanted to have a block of time where I didn't have to do anything else. I got myself situated - coffee, tissues and a couple deep breaths.

Day 33:

I doubt she'd be able to pick me out of a line-up but she has decided I deserve to die

So unfair. It brings to mind all the times in history when a group is targeted and the inexplicable hate that drives people to do evil. Innocent people are put into horrible situations, their backs agains the wall. But Mick will do it. He's ready. But still feels like he'd be looked at as a monster. We all know Beth will understand. Pfft, given the chance she'd do it for him.


Day 34:

I sat here in the office with the lights off, just listening and for a few moments you were here. I could see you, hear you, feel you and it was amazing.

I can see him doing that. I can see him reaching out and caressing the screen with his fingertips. *first tissue* But this must have made things easier - a reminder of why they are doing this and for Mick to see that even if she might not be happy, she's thriving.


Day 47:

The faces and names have started to blur - they're all so normal, on the outside, unremarkable. I'd pass them on the street without a second glance but they are the men and women who I, we, must find a way to destroy.

I like this line because that is the way it is for most real monsters, isn't it? You would never know them by looking at them. Also, the same could be said about the vampires. Like Mick had once said to Beth (I'm paraphrasing here) "Can't tell, can you? Scary, huh?"

I can't blame Josef for enjoying this a bit. How boring it must get, living so long. He's already lived through various uprisings - this will just be one more. Except that it directly involves people he cares about. That changes things a little.


Day 75:

I miss you, that's all. I just miss you.

That must be so hard to get used to. Because no matter how he props himself up, no matter how busy he makes himself, that feeling is going to be the backdrop, the prevailing ache in his bones. This letter also highlights how the majority function - thinking that just because we don't want something to be so, it won't - that things will change, it won't ever get that bad. Unfortunately reality doesn't work that way.

I miss your sound, your noise, your laugh. The rhythm of Beth. The sound of our life together.

So pretty, so heartfelt. *tissue #2*


Day 99: In my head I pictured them simultaneously, each on opposite ends of the continent, looking up at the same time and thinking of the other. I love that Mick thought of how Beth would dislike being a year older, aging. And I had to laugh at Josef's begrudged felicitations.


Day 100: Okay this one was just a heartbreaker. He waffles between imagining her there to the point of almost feeling her to being so very alone. This one made me start to wonder if he'd have made it if they wound up being separated forever. I don't think so. And I'm loving Josef more than ever.


Holy Sh**. I did miss a lot, didn't I?


Day 114:

It shouldn't be different from any other day - it's just a date on the calendar and I'm the same person I was yesterday and will be tomorrow - but somehow seeing that date click over takes me back, the memories fresher, sharper.

Vampire or human, even with existences on opposite ends of the time spectrum, we mark out lives by time. And memories. It's what makes up the time and memories that make us who we are. Mick has more problems with this than most - but he's seeing the light.


Day 146: Poor Mick sounds so tired - like he knows they are getting close but he's losing some hope. Like, it's bigger than he is and he didn't expect that. I want to give him a hug and a slap, tell him to rise up, keep fighting.


Beth's letter: Perfect example that existing is not living.

But I long to see you, to hear your voice, to touch your beautiful face, to feel your hands on me, your lips to mine.

The yearning is palpable in these lines and make my chest ache. The comparison to Lila and Ray and the separation by war is one I wouldn't have thought of but it's true, it is a war, just on a smaller scale.


Dary 150: That must have scared him pretty good, getting hurt like that. Stupid and scary. How ironic it would have been that Josef's plan works and they are triumphant but Mick gets himself killed. Not acceptable. At. All.

I should never have waited so long. As soon as I stepped into the bedroom it was like you were there with me. The air still smelled of your perfume. Your clothes in the closet, ready for you to pull them out - all of them at the same time probably; our bed, unmade, like we'd just got up. I swear when I climbed in, it felt warm. As I read, I could hear your voice, speaking your words of love to me, for me. You were here. You touched me, you held me - we were making love and it was amazing. I felt alive again.

And then you were gone and here I am alone, reaching out to you. I know it wasn't just my imagination - I felt you and I know you felt me too. A connection that strong can't be broken - not by pain, by separation, by fear, by time. It goes on. We go on.

I love you. It'll be okay.

Mick

*tissue #3, 4 & 5* And so his resolve is renewed. You know, he says he wished he had done that sooner but I wonder if he was really ready until this point. When he was struggling with doubt and despair I don't know if it would have helped to be in their room, surrounded by her presence.


Day 250: At this point I think any plan, even with the slightest hope of working and bringing Beth home, would have looked like a great plan to Mick.


Day 255: GAWWWD, how stressful it must be, so close and now he has to wait without knowing anything. And we know where Josef is and what he's doing and I want to curl in on myself and rock.



Thank you, Red, for giving us these. It's a neat experience to relive the story this way. Neat and bittersweet.

I've spent so long wishing the time away but now I want everything to go slow, to give him time to make it right. I trust him, and if anyone can pull this off, it's him, but not knowing is pretty rough. I want this done. I want you home.

But we have a plan.

And that's better than yesterday.

Feeling hope and frustration at the same time. Like he sees something to grab on to, but just can't quite reach it. And wanting time to speed up and go slow both at once. He's dealing with it the best he can.

But this is just like a kick in the gut to me, since we all know what Josef's plan is.

Hey, GA, this was such a lovely surprise to find. I love that you caught up!!!

I especially loved your comparison with the "Can't tell, can you?" scene - you're so right.

And Josef? Sigh. I confess I made myself fall in love with him just a little more with this story. Still quite a few days to go, and as the end of the year approaches, Mick's conflict between looking forward to Beth coming home and his fear that her return will signal some terrible retribution will just get stronger. A few more tissues might be required.

MLC, that mix of hope and despair pretty much sums up how I see Mick in this story. No matter how much he believes in his relationship, there's always that nagging feeling that someone or something is going to crush his happiness.

Red

With my apologies for the delay (vacation....), here are the next two letters - and the end is in sight.

This takes place during chapter 9

Day 262


Beth,

I've gone from being pissed, to concerned, to flat out worried. I still don't know where Josef is or what he's doing. I've got a nagging feeling that something's gone wrong, that he's in trouble but I can't do anything to help. He never goes anywhere without his cell or without at least letting someone know how to reach him, but this time, nothing. And I believe his people when they say they don't know.

God I feel so useless - there's nothing more I can do to find him and there's nothing I can do to reach out to you either. It's Christmas Eve and I've got an attack of the sorry-ass blues. Christmas always makes me feel a little, well, lonesome I guess is the best word. I've got so many happy memories of Christmas as a kid - I've learned over the years that nostalgia can be a dangerous thing but sometimes I can't help it. I've been thinking about my mom all day; Christmas Eve was always baking day in our house and we knew that if we played our cards right there'd be fresh bread, warm cookies and iced gingerbread. In between getting shooed out of the kitchen, we'd help dad choose a tree and get it all fixed up. Pauly and I always fought over who got to put the angel on the top. The house smelled amazing - cookies and fresh pine needles - for me that'll always be the smell of Christmas.

I think I'll go to Midnight Mass. It's years since I last set foot in a church but for some reason it feels like it's time. It feels like the right thing - I need to go. Just to go and see what happens. I'll light a candle and think of you, wondering how you're going to be spending your Christmas. I saw on the news that you've got heavy snow. I confess I'm jealous - Christmas should always have snow. I just hope you won't be alone. I'll be with you in my heart.

I love you.

Mick

This takes place during chapter 9

Day 263


B,

Well one mystery's been solved - Josef's back. But I still have no idea where's he's been or what he's been doing. I went over to his house earlier and he was there. Alone, which in itself is weird. He's never alone. But he was drinking and being even more evasive than usual. He wouldn't say where he'd been, hell he wouldn't talk to me at all. Everything we've been through together, we've always been able to talk to each other, even if it's just small talk - but not today. He's afraid of something, or someone, and that chills me to the bone. I can't let it rest - I'll go back tomorrow and force him to tell me. I haven't worked out how I'm going to do that, but I'll think of something.

I can't believe I haven't even wished you Happy Christmas. I've had Josef on my mind all day and I'm just a bit all over the place. So, Happy Christmas, my love. I hope you've had a better day than me. I have a gift for you - a very special gift that's getting wrapped up with this letter, ready for when you come home.

I went to Mass last night and it was amazing. Something else I shouldn't have put off for so long. I went to a little church in the old neighbourhood and it was packed - all the other once-a-year types, just like me. It was friendly and welcoming and buzzing. The kids running around, excited at being allowed to stay up late until tiredness got the better of them. Whole families, some of them more than a little merry - there was a gentle fog of booze in the air - singing and praying together. It's sixty years since I sang a Christmas carol - but I did last night and it felt good. I just wish you'd been there. Next year, okay?

I hope you had snow and eggnog and presents and everything else Christmas should be.

I love you.

M

Oh, Red, these later letters just tug so hard at my emotions. (And by the way, it was a compliment before... I just couldn't think of anything to say to express my feelings at Mick's hope, knowing what was going to come.)

And I'm still in the same place. Mick is beginning to realize that Josef doesn't have a magic pill to fix this horrible situation. That all their fighting, all their work, the deaths and pain and time and intelligence spent on trying to fight this war, might not be enough. But through it all, he thinks about Christmas and reaches out to Beth, his future, and also to his past. He ties a symbolic cord between all he loves about his childhood and all he hopes for in his lifetime with Beth. And he asks her to go back to church with him next Christmas... a request that he can hold up as a little star of hope for himself when everything is dark.

Will you tell us what Mick's Christmas present for Beth was?

Thanks, alle. In so many of these letters, I've written Mick telling Beth, "when you come home" or "when we see each other again" and the promise for next Christmas was just an extension of that. They are all little things for himself, as though if he says it often enough, it'll come true.

As for the Christmas gift (shameless sentiment warning required) it was a gold angel pendant.

Red

Oh Jeezuz Mary and Joseph and the whole frikkin nativity, Red!!!!!!!

Not just alone at Christmas, and yes I would totally think Mick would still mark that holiday and think of all his mortal Christmases... probably with more nostalgic joy than they really deserved... but isolated at Christmas... unable to touch base with either Josef OR Beth!

And hasn't been to mass since Bronze I bet...

And yeah, I remember when Josef returned... not a real confidence booster, that return of Josef. He hadn't worked out his own final solution yet... so he would hardly be giving Mick confidence and comfort at this point.

Nadir. This is the nadir for Mick... until that desperate final garden scene at least... OMG. What hard letters to read... yeah the end is in sight... reminding us what a gut wrenching end it is...