Vampire 101 - PG
Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:04 am
This is a response to a fic challenge from the writer's thread over at VLF - a 2nd person POV. I hope I've accomplished what I set out to do. It's completely unbeta'ed (except for a read-through by GA) - this was a total brain dump.
Usual disclaimers apply.
VAMPIRE 101
So. You wanna be a vampire? You sure about that? It's not a decision lightly made.
First things first, you gotta find a vampire that will bring you over to the "dark side"--Darth Vader with fangs, if you will. Easier said than done. You can't walk up to someone, tap them on the shoulder and ask "Hey buddy--you a vampire?" That line of questioning will get you shot, arrested or thrown in the loony bin. You gotta have an "in". You gotta have CONNECTIONS.
If you're lucky, you'll find someone like Josef Konstan to Turn you - that's what they call it...Turning. Now THERE'S a vampire's vampire! He's everything that's cool about being vamp - good-lookin', rich and up to his fangs in the ladies. He Turns you, you're guaranteed access to the upper echelon of vampire society. Konstan takes good care of his Turns, yes sir. Trouble is, he hasn't Turned anyone in nigh to 60 years.
If you're not so lucky, you run into someone like Mick St. John. Yep...never seen anyone that hated being a vampire as much as ol' Mick. You don't wanna get Turned like Mick did - his wife did it to him on their wedding night. Poor bastard never saw it coming. He's a P.I. now - thinks he can make up for something that wasn't his fault by sticking up for the cattle. Maybe you can hire him to find a vampire to Turn you...if he doesn't throw you out of his office first.
When you find yourself a vampire to "do the deed", remember that you're gonna die. Becoming top of the food chain comes with a price--your life. Make sure you weigh the pros and cons, think it through until you can't think anymore--then think it through again. As John Cusack said, "this is death here". Make sure you won't be better off dead, because once you've become a vampire you can't go back. You've probably heard the rumors about a cure, but it's only temporary--and even St. John got himself Turned back. He found out being human again wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
You've never died before, so be prepared for what's gonna happen to you. Your lungs will collapse as you stop breathing. Your heart will slow down and stop beating as your life's blood is drained from you. That bit about seeing a bright light? Pure, unadulterated bullshit. Dying's like sinking in a deep black pool. You feel like you're sliding under the coldest water you've ever touched, then it flows into every crevice, every orifice you have. You fall down farther and farther and when you don't think you can fall anymore, you're ripped back into consciousness.
First thing you wanna do if you've been holding your breath is breathe in. Good luck with that--you'll be holding your breath for eternity now. You'll panic when you try to draw in a breath and your lungs won't cooperate. You'll panic when you realize you don't have a pulse or a heartbeat. You'll freak right out when you realize you're drinking someone's blood--and that you like it. After you get over the panic, you're gonna realize you're hungry. Very, very hungry. Welcome to perpetual thirst.
If you don't learn to control it, the craving for blood will consume you. Your need for blood is stronger than any desire you have ever had in your existence. Vampires beg for it, they borrow and steal for it--they kill for it. Anyone you've ever loved, cared about or know has been reduced to a food source. The younger the victim, the sweeter the blood--but be real careful. You tap the wrong keg, and some vampires are gonna take offense. St. John's real touchy about vamps that feed from children - ask around. You'll hear the story about what happened to a guy named Leo when Mick found out he was feeding from runaways. Haven't seen Leo around these days.
The guy that Turned you? He's gone from random vampire to your sire, so pray you've chosen wisely. A sire's sort of like a parent, except he won't spank you when you're naughty - unless you're into that kinda thing. They've taken your blood and you've taken theirs--it's sort of like being blood brothers, but on a deeper level. Your sire's going to teach you how to be a good little vampire--so listen closely and do what they do.
Sun is bad for you--very very bad. You won't burst into flames, but the longer you're exposed to sun, the sicker you'll become. Your best friends are going to become sunglasses and sunscreen.
The night has become your domain. Human rules don't apply to you anymore. You can smell the past, glimpse the future and your hearing would put a bat to shame (No, you can't turn into one). You're stronger than you were before--go ahead, try to lift up that car. Cool, huh?
Just a warning - you've become very hard to kill, but you ain't invincible. Silver weakens you; enough of it will kill you. A stake in the heart will paralyze you, and if you get your head cut off, that ain't growin' back any time soon.
Never--NEVER--do anything that brings attention to or threatens the Community. Guys like Konstan, they haven't gotten to four centuries by being careless--and he's real high on the vampire food chain. You'll find yourself on on the wrong end of a flamethrower on his orders if you reveal the Secret to anyone. Be smart, stay under the radar, and you'll be a happy vampire indeed.
Finding food will be easy, once you learn how to control that hunger. One of your cool new superpowers is allure - the chicks can't resist it. They line up like sheep to offer up their wrists or necks or...other places for a smooth-talking, sharp-dressed vampire. Girls love bad boys--go figure. Fresh is preferable, but in a pinch you can get it bagged. Your sire'll give you a list of vamps you can tap for a quick bite - Guillermo or Terrence at the morgue can get you any blood type your undead heart desires, and Amanda over at the blood bank will sneak you a pint or two if you're really desperate. You've probably heard about vampires like St. John who exist on the morgue supply only. Freaks. No one can live on the bagged stuff forever.
The longer you're a vampire, the more humans will confuse and fascinate you. Until you're faced with your own immortality, you have no idea how fleeting a human lifetime really is. Humans scurry around like ants, so convinced of their own self-importance and never knowing how fragile they really are. They think they're smart, think they're strong. They convince themselves monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet, but they don't realize you're right in front of them.
One thing you'll learn real fast is you can learn all there is to know about a human just by tasting them. Their habits and their emotions color the blood. Anger makes blood bitter as gall, lust makes it sweet as honey. Trying scaring your "donor" - go ahead, it's good for them - and see how spicy it makes their blood.
If you're smart, you won't get attached to your food. After all, you didn't get attached to the cow that gave you a steak when you were human, did you? It will be hard to distance yourself, but for your own good you'll do it. Feeding fresh? It's a damn rush. Humans are so full of life, you'll want to crawl inside them and soak up their warmth, their vitality. Be grateful to them--they willingly give up their a part of their life so that you can live. And you can't beat the fringe benefits--a pretty girl grinding herself into your lap, begging you to take her. Food and sex--what more could a vamp ask for?
Sometimes...it gets complicated. Sometimes you can't help but fall in love with one of them.
Any vamp worth his fangs will tell you falling in love with a human is a Very Bad Idea. They die--you don't. Unless you're fond of watching someone you love grow old and pass beyond the Veil before your eyes while you stay strong, young and immortal, you'll steer clear of any romantic entanglements. Worse than watching them die is Turning someone you love. If you do, remember - you're stuck with them for eternity. And if it doesn't work? You'd best to remember vampires don't deal well with grief. Ask Konstan.
But sometimes? Sometimes...you get damn lucky.
St. John fought it for a long time, but he finally gave in to that pushy blonde reporter he saved when she was a little girl. Now THERE'S a human worth having--you'd consider yourself lucky to find one like her. She's a rare breed, that girl; strong, smart, and brave. She found out St. John was a vampire when he was hurt and vulnerable (shoulder full of silver buckshot - YEOUCH!) and she didn't tell a soul. Pretty good trick for a reporter and a woman, keeping her mouth shut. She's got spine, that one does; when St. John was stupid and got exposed by a photographer, she sicced Konstan on him. That one, you don't mess with--she's got St John as a bodyguard AND she's got the ear of Josef Konstan. She's probably the most protected human in Los Angeles.
Yeah, if you're lucky, you find a love like that. Ol' Mick, he was afraid he'd hurt that girl, but she's not afraid of him. Hell, she encourages him to be himself, to embrace his inner vampire. Seems to smile a little more these days now that he's got pretty Beth Turner with him--god knows Konstan's drawing easier breaths these days now that he doesn't have to worry about St. John being all broody and dark.
Funny--it took a human to convince St. John to be all the vampire he could be.
So. You still sure you wanna be a vampire?
Usual disclaimers apply.
VAMPIRE 101
So. You wanna be a vampire? You sure about that? It's not a decision lightly made.
First things first, you gotta find a vampire that will bring you over to the "dark side"--Darth Vader with fangs, if you will. Easier said than done. You can't walk up to someone, tap them on the shoulder and ask "Hey buddy--you a vampire?" That line of questioning will get you shot, arrested or thrown in the loony bin. You gotta have an "in". You gotta have CONNECTIONS.
If you're lucky, you'll find someone like Josef Konstan to Turn you - that's what they call it...Turning. Now THERE'S a vampire's vampire! He's everything that's cool about being vamp - good-lookin', rich and up to his fangs in the ladies. He Turns you, you're guaranteed access to the upper echelon of vampire society. Konstan takes good care of his Turns, yes sir. Trouble is, he hasn't Turned anyone in nigh to 60 years.
If you're not so lucky, you run into someone like Mick St. John. Yep...never seen anyone that hated being a vampire as much as ol' Mick. You don't wanna get Turned like Mick did - his wife did it to him on their wedding night. Poor bastard never saw it coming. He's a P.I. now - thinks he can make up for something that wasn't his fault by sticking up for the cattle. Maybe you can hire him to find a vampire to Turn you...if he doesn't throw you out of his office first.
When you find yourself a vampire to "do the deed", remember that you're gonna die. Becoming top of the food chain comes with a price--your life. Make sure you weigh the pros and cons, think it through until you can't think anymore--then think it through again. As John Cusack said, "this is death here". Make sure you won't be better off dead, because once you've become a vampire you can't go back. You've probably heard the rumors about a cure, but it's only temporary--and even St. John got himself Turned back. He found out being human again wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
You've never died before, so be prepared for what's gonna happen to you. Your lungs will collapse as you stop breathing. Your heart will slow down and stop beating as your life's blood is drained from you. That bit about seeing a bright light? Pure, unadulterated bullshit. Dying's like sinking in a deep black pool. You feel like you're sliding under the coldest water you've ever touched, then it flows into every crevice, every orifice you have. You fall down farther and farther and when you don't think you can fall anymore, you're ripped back into consciousness.
First thing you wanna do if you've been holding your breath is breathe in. Good luck with that--you'll be holding your breath for eternity now. You'll panic when you try to draw in a breath and your lungs won't cooperate. You'll panic when you realize you don't have a pulse or a heartbeat. You'll freak right out when you realize you're drinking someone's blood--and that you like it. After you get over the panic, you're gonna realize you're hungry. Very, very hungry. Welcome to perpetual thirst.
If you don't learn to control it, the craving for blood will consume you. Your need for blood is stronger than any desire you have ever had in your existence. Vampires beg for it, they borrow and steal for it--they kill for it. Anyone you've ever loved, cared about or know has been reduced to a food source. The younger the victim, the sweeter the blood--but be real careful. You tap the wrong keg, and some vampires are gonna take offense. St. John's real touchy about vamps that feed from children - ask around. You'll hear the story about what happened to a guy named Leo when Mick found out he was feeding from runaways. Haven't seen Leo around these days.
The guy that Turned you? He's gone from random vampire to your sire, so pray you've chosen wisely. A sire's sort of like a parent, except he won't spank you when you're naughty - unless you're into that kinda thing. They've taken your blood and you've taken theirs--it's sort of like being blood brothers, but on a deeper level. Your sire's going to teach you how to be a good little vampire--so listen closely and do what they do.
Sun is bad for you--very very bad. You won't burst into flames, but the longer you're exposed to sun, the sicker you'll become. Your best friends are going to become sunglasses and sunscreen.
The night has become your domain. Human rules don't apply to you anymore. You can smell the past, glimpse the future and your hearing would put a bat to shame (No, you can't turn into one). You're stronger than you were before--go ahead, try to lift up that car. Cool, huh?
Just a warning - you've become very hard to kill, but you ain't invincible. Silver weakens you; enough of it will kill you. A stake in the heart will paralyze you, and if you get your head cut off, that ain't growin' back any time soon.
Never--NEVER--do anything that brings attention to or threatens the Community. Guys like Konstan, they haven't gotten to four centuries by being careless--and he's real high on the vampire food chain. You'll find yourself on on the wrong end of a flamethrower on his orders if you reveal the Secret to anyone. Be smart, stay under the radar, and you'll be a happy vampire indeed.
Finding food will be easy, once you learn how to control that hunger. One of your cool new superpowers is allure - the chicks can't resist it. They line up like sheep to offer up their wrists or necks or...other places for a smooth-talking, sharp-dressed vampire. Girls love bad boys--go figure. Fresh is preferable, but in a pinch you can get it bagged. Your sire'll give you a list of vamps you can tap for a quick bite - Guillermo or Terrence at the morgue can get you any blood type your undead heart desires, and Amanda over at the blood bank will sneak you a pint or two if you're really desperate. You've probably heard about vampires like St. John who exist on the morgue supply only. Freaks. No one can live on the bagged stuff forever.
The longer you're a vampire, the more humans will confuse and fascinate you. Until you're faced with your own immortality, you have no idea how fleeting a human lifetime really is. Humans scurry around like ants, so convinced of their own self-importance and never knowing how fragile they really are. They think they're smart, think they're strong. They convince themselves monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet, but they don't realize you're right in front of them.
One thing you'll learn real fast is you can learn all there is to know about a human just by tasting them. Their habits and their emotions color the blood. Anger makes blood bitter as gall, lust makes it sweet as honey. Trying scaring your "donor" - go ahead, it's good for them - and see how spicy it makes their blood.
If you're smart, you won't get attached to your food. After all, you didn't get attached to the cow that gave you a steak when you were human, did you? It will be hard to distance yourself, but for your own good you'll do it. Feeding fresh? It's a damn rush. Humans are so full of life, you'll want to crawl inside them and soak up their warmth, their vitality. Be grateful to them--they willingly give up their a part of their life so that you can live. And you can't beat the fringe benefits--a pretty girl grinding herself into your lap, begging you to take her. Food and sex--what more could a vamp ask for?
Sometimes...it gets complicated. Sometimes you can't help but fall in love with one of them.
Any vamp worth his fangs will tell you falling in love with a human is a Very Bad Idea. They die--you don't. Unless you're fond of watching someone you love grow old and pass beyond the Veil before your eyes while you stay strong, young and immortal, you'll steer clear of any romantic entanglements. Worse than watching them die is Turning someone you love. If you do, remember - you're stuck with them for eternity. And if it doesn't work? You'd best to remember vampires don't deal well with grief. Ask Konstan.
But sometimes? Sometimes...you get damn lucky.
St. John fought it for a long time, but he finally gave in to that pushy blonde reporter he saved when she was a little girl. Now THERE'S a human worth having--you'd consider yourself lucky to find one like her. She's a rare breed, that girl; strong, smart, and brave. She found out St. John was a vampire when he was hurt and vulnerable (shoulder full of silver buckshot - YEOUCH!) and she didn't tell a soul. Pretty good trick for a reporter and a woman, keeping her mouth shut. She's got spine, that one does; when St. John was stupid and got exposed by a photographer, she sicced Konstan on him. That one, you don't mess with--she's got St John as a bodyguard AND she's got the ear of Josef Konstan. She's probably the most protected human in Los Angeles.
Yeah, if you're lucky, you find a love like that. Ol' Mick, he was afraid he'd hurt that girl, but she's not afraid of him. Hell, she encourages him to be himself, to embrace his inner vampire. Seems to smile a little more these days now that he's got pretty Beth Turner with him--god knows Konstan's drawing easier breaths these days now that he doesn't have to worry about St. John being all broody and dark.
Funny--it took a human to convince St. John to be all the vampire he could be.
So. You still sure you wanna be a vampire?
Second-person is CHALLENGING and I really had to arm-wrestle this one into submission - the fact that you think it had great flow just makes me grin like an idiot. 
