Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

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francis
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by francis »

What seamus said. I nod to every word. :heart:

And Liana...
Liana wrote: I don't write, but Moonlight makes me want to.
But I'm not a native speaker so, to put it in Mick's words, it's complicated.
Maybe someday I'll muster up enough courage to go for it... We'll see...
Just try it. Take a beta to help with grammar, spelling and vocabulary, and you will be fine. I'm no native speaker either, but my English improved by writing.
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

*hugs lorig*

And Liana, francis is absolutely right. Get a good beta, someone who can help with the technical stuff like spelling and grammar, and have a go. If you don't you'll always wonder, "What if?".

francis, you are such a doll *loves*.

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by Raven »

redwinter101 wrote:Thank you so much, francis. The procedural stuff is a bit of a departure for me so I'm delighted to get your feedback - tension and suspense were just what I was hoping for.
Red ;)
Hey Red, just popping in again regarding the procedural. I am far from an extensive fanfic reader...but your procedural is one of the best I have ever read. The characterizations are spectacular and I tend to focus on that, but truly, this procedural is worthy of a whole season of Moonlight on TV.
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

Raven, I'm blushing again. You really are too kind.

Now I just need to tie all the ends together and not end up in a tangle....

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by Fleur de Lisa »

I really wish this was a bound copy of a completed novel, because I can imagine curling up with it, covered in a blankie, getting utterly lost in the world you have created. The romance, the suspense, the heartache. Lovely.
Beth chewed her lip, casting a furtive glance around the newsroom. Shoving the photos back into a thick file, collecting jacket and bag, she grabbed Pete by the arm, steering him toward the elevator, "I'll tell you while you buy me lunch."
You wanna know why I quoted the above? Because look at how well you capture a scene. It's not all about the back and forth bantering, it's the little things--the chewing of the lip, the glancing, the moving towards the lift (I did that for you!). That forms the visual that plays in the reader's head--picturing the story. It heightens the experience for the reader, and I just lose myself in the story.

Beth and Pete's conversation--enjoyed the comfortableness between the two of them. And just when I am liking that piece of it, I get slammed with a feeling of nervousness over Beth sharing so much with him. I am like her, torn, unsure how to feel. I completely relate to her reasons for doing what she did, but it still scares the hell out of me.
bittersweet remembrance.
Perfect. No need to explain any further, we understand it all with 2 words.

And Beth, like a dog with a bone!! She is beyond determined to help solve this and get back to her man. Who can blame her? They would both move heaven and earth for one another, but I don't want her to suffer for the risks she is taking--and that is my biggest fear.
Feeling like a barber-surgeon in an old movie
Love this reference!!! I am in love with your brain. There. It's all out in the open.

The entire scene with Mick and the good doctor--grisly and realistic. The poor man is hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. And I love that you showed Beth finally giving into tears after receiving Josef's text. She appears so strong and in control through most of this chapter, then we finally see the true heartache of hers push through.

The procedural elements are tight as a drum. Truly.
The fact that Beth and Josef don't need many words to communicate, and you mirror that in Beth's letter to Mick--that is the mark of an incredibly close relationship.
The ending, Good God, the ending. Both of them in bed, separate, but together in their grief.

Gorgeous.
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

Lisa, thank you :hearts: . You were one of the very first to read the first chapter of this story and I love that you're still reading and enjoying. My particular gratitude for liking the barber-surgeon line! As for Beth, you're so right - for all her toughness, she's hurting too, she just copes a little better than Mick; but there are times when it all gets too much and she, too, breaks down :(.

I confess that I was worried about the ending. I knew what I wanted to get across, but without being tacky - I'm so happy that it worked for you.

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by Fleur de Lisa »

I confess that I was worried about the ending. I knew what I wanted to get across, but without being tacky - I'm so happy that it worked for you.
It worked so well, I read it again.

Really, I am not a stalker... :ninja: well, maybe a little
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by JJRose »

Oh WOW. This was an extremely powerful chapter Red. First off, Mick's arrival at Josef's and the aftermath was utterly, disgustingly gutwrenching. Your description of his face - I mean, Jesus! I was white-knuckling my way through that whole thing until he started to get better. Incredibly vivid. And then to know that it was Beth's work to help them that led to Mick's injuries. Ouch. That's going to be hard for Beth to take. Of course, it wouldn't occur to him but in reality they're pretty lucky it was Mick they got the drop on and not Beth. Mick heals. But I'm worried that she's told Pete. I don't know if he'll let her stop.

The ending was one hell of an emotional sucker-punch. I loved that he heard the letter in her voice and then repeated the words, making them one. Utterly beautiful.
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

Lisa, stalk away!!!

JJRose, I knew that section was a bit graphic! But still not as painful for Mick as separation from Beth. Thanks so much for the read and the lovely comment.

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by dreamcatcher »

Another amazing chapter!

This is so painfully difficult for both of them. Beth really needs to be doing something so it will be excruciating for her to sit back and not help especially if Pete finds out some important piece of info! And I do hope Pete is not the leak! Intentionally anyway!

Mick really suffered here both physically and emotionally. That last scene with him in their bed was both heart-wrenching and sublime!

I really felt their anguish again here but I somehow find myself desperate for more of it!
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

dreamcatcher, I'm delighted that the torment hasn't sent you screaming in the opposite direction.. Thanks for the read and the comment - it's much appreciated :).

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by kareng »

Oh Red, this chapter is simply gut retching. I have read it like four times now because that is how good it is to me. Everytime I read it, I think that I should leave a comment, but then I read the comments already left and they are so great with praise, I can't compete with that. English was never my strong point. Today, I said I am leaving a comment after reading the chapter again because I this story, love your writing, and this chapter deserves a comment.

So here it is: Thank you for this story, thank you for keeping Moonlight alive, and I will probabaly be reading this chapter several more times before you post chapter 9.
Karen
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

kareng wrote:Oh Red, this chapter is simply gut retching. I have read it like four times now because that is how good it is to me. Everytime I read it, I think that I should leave a comment, but then I read the comments already left and they are so great with praise, I can't compete with that. English was never my strong point. Today, I said I am leaving a comment after reading the chapter again because I this story, love your writing, and this chapter deserves a comment.

So here it is: Thank you for this story, thank you for keeping Moonlight alive, and I will probabaly be reading this chapter several more times before you post chapter 9.
Karen
Karen, thank you so much :heart: . Your comment is incredibly precious to me. The kindest thing anyone can say is that they love my story, because that's what it's all about - writing a story that you enjoy reading, that you get involved with, that means something to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you :hearts:

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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by Moonlighter »

Well, Red -- you've made a decision for me that I couldn't make for myself up to this point. I cannot, simply cannot, read your fics at work. I shouldn't be anyway, but I do. BUT...tearing up at my desk is certainly not the M.O for what I'm supposed to be doing, and after reading this chapter, I was done. Just done.

The descriptions you write of both Mick and Beth's attempts to be strong, then reduced to the pain and loneliness of their separation and relegated to finding comfort in a lonely bed... I'm just so done.

You. Are. Awesome. Anyone ever tell you that? 'Cuz it's true. The next 4 chapters should be quite a journey for our favorite couple -- and Josef! -- and I can't wait. But I will be reading at home. Ya know, just to be safe. :hankie:

Thanks so much for this, Red. Truly.
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Re: Afterglow, part eight (M/B/J, PG-13)

Post by redwinter101 »

Oh Moonlighter, what a lovely thing to say. You are sweet - I'm keeping you :heart:

I should probably include a "Not Safe For Work" warning on future chapters though...

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