Night Court (PG-13) Challenge #110
Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 3:45 am
A/N: A piece of silly Halloween fluff….for your enjoyment.
Night Court
The gavel banged down in the dark, crowded courtroom, silencing the gathered spectators. From the bench, the tribunal of judges glared down, all hostility and wrath. “It is 12:01 am. Halloween has begun, and this session of the Supreme Vampire Court is now in session. Bring in the accused,” the head judge ordered the bailiff.
The bailiff went to the door to the holding area, and opened it without a word for the guards to lead the prisoners in. Seven prisoners entered, all bound with silver shackles, shuffling uncertainly, their features obscured by black hoods.
When they had been pushed into a rough line facing the bench, the chief judge rapped down again with his gavel, and called the court to order. “Associate Justice, please read the charges.”
The justice to the right of the chief justice picked up a parchment scroll and began to read. “Prisoners, you are all accused of bringing the vampire nation to the attention of the general human public. Our secrecy has been permanently compromised. One by one, we will address the prisoners, on specific instances of their crimes.”
A guard pulled the hood off the prisoner at the end of the line. The tousled hair and golden eyes of a young male vampire regarded him coldly.
“Edward Cullen,” the justice read, “you are accused of making every preteen girl in the country think she is likely to run into a sparkling vampire in her local high school. Not to mention that you have taken a human girl with no redeeming qualities into your confidence.”
The next two vampires, both dark and handsome men, were revealed. “Damon and Stefan Salvatore, you also have made the humans believe high schools are familiar haunts for vampires. And you have allowed a human female to keep a diary proving your existence.”
The following two prisoners were taller, broader, more mature in appearance. One, a blond, snarled at the tribunal immediately, pulling at his bonds. The other one, dark and brooding, glared from under his heavy brows.
“Eric Northman, regardless of local law, operating a bar with a name like ‘Fangtasia’ is obviously drawing more attention to us than we can tolerate. And your associate, Bill Compton, has been openly dating—DATING—a human waitress. That she is telepathic does not excuse it.”
The last two men were unhooded. “Mick St. John, also dating a human. And all this public angsty brooding has brought hordes of women out, looking for their own vampires to comfort. It isn’t in the formal charges, but can you not see your way clear to enjoying your vampiric state, man? What’s wrong with you?
“And lastly, perhaps the most pernicious offender of you all. Josef Kostan, you are accused of inspiring such a devoted following, that other vampires are having a hard time finding unattached women to seduce.
“Having heard the charges against you, how do you plead?”
There was an immediate, and strong, chorus of “Not guilty!” from the accused. All but two.
Josef Kostan and Eric Northman exchanged a look, and nodded to each other. Northman spoke. “Kostan and I are guilty as hell.”
“But we do have a defense,” Josef added.
There was an immediate hubbub in the courtroom, and the gavel pounded again in an attempt to restore order. The judges frowned to each other. “It had better be good,” the judge on the left muttered.
“If it please the court, I need to confer briefly with my co-defendant,” Josef said smoothly. The judges nodded, and Josef and Eric edged past Mick and Bill to stand together.
“Any ideas?” Josef whispered to Eric.
“Not a one. I think they’ve got us.” The big Viking flipped the blond hair out of his eyes.
“I refuse to accept that.” Josef narrowed his eyes at the tribunal, then looked back at Eric. “There’s got to be some way out, but they do have us—pardon the pun—dead to rights.” He squared his shoulders, wishing he could arrange his Armani suit more to his liking, and directed his attention to the tribunal. “Back my play, Blondie,” he said out of the corner of his mouth. “Your honors, if I might have my hands free…it’s very difficult for me to express myself without using my hands.”
The judges conferred briefly, then gave permission with a grudging nod, and the guard unlocked Josef’s shackles at once. He massaged his wrists briefly, then shot his cuffs and straightened his tie. “Now,” he said, flashing his most charming smile. “Where were we?”
“You seven miscreants were all about to be condemned to the flame thrower.” The judge frowned, the tips of his fangs protruding past his lower lip.
“Ah, yes, that.” Josef began to pace the length of the row of prisoners, smoothing the hair that the hood had disarranged with one impatient hand across his forehead. He regarded each of the prisoners in turn. The three pretty teenagers, well, almost teenagers….give or take a century. The two dark and brooding types. And his counterpart Eric Northman. No surprise the Viking was the only other one with the fangs to accept the charges. He nodded to Eric before turning back to the bench.
“You say, we’ve collectively—“ and he gestured expansively at the row of his fellows, “we have endangered the vampire nation by making us too visible. On the contrary, we should be getting credit for making the vampire more desirable and, as the humans put it, hot, than ever before. Endangered? Oh, please. Look at us…no one wants us gone, and we’re fang-deep in willing blood donors. Every movie theatre, every tv channel—well, with one notable exception—has vampires. Three quarters of the romance novels on every paperback rack, are all about us…with all this, we’re not endangered. They’ll never get rid of us. We’re immortal!”
The gallery exploded in applause, and it was several minutes before the order could be restored. Mick frowned, thoughtfully. He’d swear he’d heard one of Josef’s freshies give almost the same speech. Lucky, maybe? Trust Josef to remember it.
“That’s all well and good,” the judge growled, “but you fail to convince us you should be released.”
“I thought it might come to this,” Josef muttered. More loudly, he said, “Your honor, may my co-defendant Mr. Northman and I approach the bench?”
At the judge’s grunt of assent, Josef and Eric moved forward.
“All right, your honors, let’s cut to the chase. How much is this going to cost us?”
“Depends. Are we talking springing all seven of you, or just you two?”
Eric frowned thoughtfully. “Tempting idea…we could do without Mr. Sparkly over there.”
“Do you have any idea what the teenyboppers would do to us?” Josef replied. “Have you ever been chased by a torch-bearing mob?”
“I’m 1000 years old. Who hasn’t, by that age?”
“That…would be nothing compared to the fury of the Twi-crowd, if anything happened to Eddie.”
Eric sighed. “All right, all right.” He addressed the judges again. “Package deal, gentlemen. So what’s the damage going to be?”
The chief judge smiled broadly, displaying some very impressive fangs. “How much,” he said, “do you have?”
Josef shoved his hands in his pockets, his expression becoming shrewd. “Perhaps we should conduct negotiations…over a few freshies?”
“I’m sure we can come to an agreement,” Eric said.
The judges looked at each other, and the chief justice banged his gavel one last time. “After hearing Mr. Kostan’s defense, and pending, uh, pending…other considerations, the charges against all defendants are dismissed.”
Eric turned to the crowded courtroom and grinned. “Halloween party at Fangtasia. Drinks are on Kostan!”
Josef sighed, then decided to go along gracefully. “Court is adjourned.”
“Hey, that’s my line,” the judge said.
Josef looked up at him sternly. “I believe,” he said, “I’m paying for the privilege.” Then he broke down and smiled wryly. “Halloween is always…a good night for vamps.”
Night Court
The gavel banged down in the dark, crowded courtroom, silencing the gathered spectators. From the bench, the tribunal of judges glared down, all hostility and wrath. “It is 12:01 am. Halloween has begun, and this session of the Supreme Vampire Court is now in session. Bring in the accused,” the head judge ordered the bailiff.
The bailiff went to the door to the holding area, and opened it without a word for the guards to lead the prisoners in. Seven prisoners entered, all bound with silver shackles, shuffling uncertainly, their features obscured by black hoods.
When they had been pushed into a rough line facing the bench, the chief judge rapped down again with his gavel, and called the court to order. “Associate Justice, please read the charges.”
The justice to the right of the chief justice picked up a parchment scroll and began to read. “Prisoners, you are all accused of bringing the vampire nation to the attention of the general human public. Our secrecy has been permanently compromised. One by one, we will address the prisoners, on specific instances of their crimes.”
A guard pulled the hood off the prisoner at the end of the line. The tousled hair and golden eyes of a young male vampire regarded him coldly.
“Edward Cullen,” the justice read, “you are accused of making every preteen girl in the country think she is likely to run into a sparkling vampire in her local high school. Not to mention that you have taken a human girl with no redeeming qualities into your confidence.”
The next two vampires, both dark and handsome men, were revealed. “Damon and Stefan Salvatore, you also have made the humans believe high schools are familiar haunts for vampires. And you have allowed a human female to keep a diary proving your existence.”
The following two prisoners were taller, broader, more mature in appearance. One, a blond, snarled at the tribunal immediately, pulling at his bonds. The other one, dark and brooding, glared from under his heavy brows.
“Eric Northman, regardless of local law, operating a bar with a name like ‘Fangtasia’ is obviously drawing more attention to us than we can tolerate. And your associate, Bill Compton, has been openly dating—DATING—a human waitress. That she is telepathic does not excuse it.”
The last two men were unhooded. “Mick St. John, also dating a human. And all this public angsty brooding has brought hordes of women out, looking for their own vampires to comfort. It isn’t in the formal charges, but can you not see your way clear to enjoying your vampiric state, man? What’s wrong with you?
“And lastly, perhaps the most pernicious offender of you all. Josef Kostan, you are accused of inspiring such a devoted following, that other vampires are having a hard time finding unattached women to seduce.
“Having heard the charges against you, how do you plead?”
There was an immediate, and strong, chorus of “Not guilty!” from the accused. All but two.
Josef Kostan and Eric Northman exchanged a look, and nodded to each other. Northman spoke. “Kostan and I are guilty as hell.”
“But we do have a defense,” Josef added.
There was an immediate hubbub in the courtroom, and the gavel pounded again in an attempt to restore order. The judges frowned to each other. “It had better be good,” the judge on the left muttered.
“If it please the court, I need to confer briefly with my co-defendant,” Josef said smoothly. The judges nodded, and Josef and Eric edged past Mick and Bill to stand together.
“Any ideas?” Josef whispered to Eric.
“Not a one. I think they’ve got us.” The big Viking flipped the blond hair out of his eyes.
“I refuse to accept that.” Josef narrowed his eyes at the tribunal, then looked back at Eric. “There’s got to be some way out, but they do have us—pardon the pun—dead to rights.” He squared his shoulders, wishing he could arrange his Armani suit more to his liking, and directed his attention to the tribunal. “Back my play, Blondie,” he said out of the corner of his mouth. “Your honors, if I might have my hands free…it’s very difficult for me to express myself without using my hands.”
The judges conferred briefly, then gave permission with a grudging nod, and the guard unlocked Josef’s shackles at once. He massaged his wrists briefly, then shot his cuffs and straightened his tie. “Now,” he said, flashing his most charming smile. “Where were we?”
“You seven miscreants were all about to be condemned to the flame thrower.” The judge frowned, the tips of his fangs protruding past his lower lip.
“Ah, yes, that.” Josef began to pace the length of the row of prisoners, smoothing the hair that the hood had disarranged with one impatient hand across his forehead. He regarded each of the prisoners in turn. The three pretty teenagers, well, almost teenagers….give or take a century. The two dark and brooding types. And his counterpart Eric Northman. No surprise the Viking was the only other one with the fangs to accept the charges. He nodded to Eric before turning back to the bench.
“You say, we’ve collectively—“ and he gestured expansively at the row of his fellows, “we have endangered the vampire nation by making us too visible. On the contrary, we should be getting credit for making the vampire more desirable and, as the humans put it, hot, than ever before. Endangered? Oh, please. Look at us…no one wants us gone, and we’re fang-deep in willing blood donors. Every movie theatre, every tv channel—well, with one notable exception—has vampires. Three quarters of the romance novels on every paperback rack, are all about us…with all this, we’re not endangered. They’ll never get rid of us. We’re immortal!”
The gallery exploded in applause, and it was several minutes before the order could be restored. Mick frowned, thoughtfully. He’d swear he’d heard one of Josef’s freshies give almost the same speech. Lucky, maybe? Trust Josef to remember it.
“That’s all well and good,” the judge growled, “but you fail to convince us you should be released.”
“I thought it might come to this,” Josef muttered. More loudly, he said, “Your honor, may my co-defendant Mr. Northman and I approach the bench?”
At the judge’s grunt of assent, Josef and Eric moved forward.
“All right, your honors, let’s cut to the chase. How much is this going to cost us?”
“Depends. Are we talking springing all seven of you, or just you two?”
Eric frowned thoughtfully. “Tempting idea…we could do without Mr. Sparkly over there.”
“Do you have any idea what the teenyboppers would do to us?” Josef replied. “Have you ever been chased by a torch-bearing mob?”
“I’m 1000 years old. Who hasn’t, by that age?”
“That…would be nothing compared to the fury of the Twi-crowd, if anything happened to Eddie.”
Eric sighed. “All right, all right.” He addressed the judges again. “Package deal, gentlemen. So what’s the damage going to be?”
The chief judge smiled broadly, displaying some very impressive fangs. “How much,” he said, “do you have?”
Josef shoved his hands in his pockets, his expression becoming shrewd. “Perhaps we should conduct negotiations…over a few freshies?”
“I’m sure we can come to an agreement,” Eric said.
The judges looked at each other, and the chief justice banged his gavel one last time. “After hearing Mr. Kostan’s defense, and pending, uh, pending…other considerations, the charges against all defendants are dismissed.”
Eric turned to the crowded courtroom and grinned. “Halloween party at Fangtasia. Drinks are on Kostan!”
Josef sighed, then decided to go along gracefully. “Court is adjourned.”
“Hey, that’s my line,” the judge said.
Josef looked up at him sternly. “I believe,” he said, “I’m paying for the privilege.” Then he broke down and smiled wryly. “Halloween is always…a good night for vamps.”
