Moonlightaholics

A/N: I am BEYOND excited to be posting my first new fic here at the new site!

This one woke me up out of a sound sleep last week and demanded that I write it. I was the first to lead the charge against Beth after her treatment of Mick at the end of Love Lasts Forever and this is my attempt at atonement.

Many thanks to Starbucksjunkie for tightening this up and forgiving my tendency towards wordiness. I promise I'll learn someday.

Enjoy.

Usual disclaimers apply. I own nothing but my own imagination.



ETERNITY




What I do know is at the end of the day, not alot separates life and Death. Only one thing: Eternity. - MIck St. John, Love Lasts Forever



Tonight, I'm curled up in an old chair, staring out into the night. No stars twinkle this night, beckoning me to take in their outworldly glory. It's for the best, really...I wouldn't see them even if they were out. They've been snuffed out by the city, much like the life that was snuffed out earlier.

Next to me, a trio of thick white candles burn with a warmth I cannot feel. A wine glass with a belly half-full of merlot that I can't taste sits within reach. Splayed out for the world to see, an album full of pictures I can't see. A legacy of love I can't feel.

The photo that's displayed was taken last Christmas in Carmel. Josh's mother had captured us in an easy moment of shared joy and mutual affection--his arms around me, pulling me into him. It used to be so easy with Josh, so normal. We lived, we laughed, we went out, we made love. We argued - about my new job with Buzzwire and the problems it caused when it conflicted with his position at the D.A.'s office. We argued about my stubbornness when on the trail of a hot story and his refusal to take precautions when dealing with the dangerous cards his job often dealt him.

Lately...we argued about Mick.

I've learned to re-define the word "normal" as it applies to my life. I've learned that monsters have souls, guardian angels have fangs and that heroes cling to the fragments of the humanity they lost with everything inside them. I've learned to do things I never thought myself capable of, things I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would do. I've shot a man since I met Mick. I've fed Mick my blood and felt him hard against me when he tried to bring me down from my Black Crystal high. I trusted him far more than Josh thought I should--and Josh didn't know half of what I knew.

My phone vibrates, bumping its way across the rattan of the table. I pick it up and drop it after a glance at the display; another condolence call.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

God, how many times have I heard those six words pass a cop's lips when relaying bad news to someone? How many times have I used them myself to coax victims into giving me their story? The hypocrisy of saying them in order to get what I want now rises up and chokes me. I know now the next time I say those words, I'll MEAN them. I WILL be sorry for someone's loss...because now I know what it's like to lose.

Josh is dead. I watched his life bleed out as I knelt beside him and begged him not to leave me. I saw that blood stain the hands of the man I begged to save him. I watched Josh's blue eyes fade and dull as Mick fought the battle with death and refused to use the one weapon he had that would bring Josh back to me.

When it was over, Mick tried to comfort me, but the last thing I wanted was for those hands that had failed Josh to touch me. Neither of the EMT's said a word as I climbed into the ambulance and rode with Josh's body to the morgue. I held his cold hand as if my warmth could bring him back, whispering words of comfort as if he could still hear me. I walked beside the gurney as it wheeled its gruesome cargo into the sterile house of death, ignoring the startled look the coroner shot my way. Over Guillermo's objections, I watched him cut off Josh's blood-soaked clothes and wash his dead nakedness. Carl forcibly made me leave Autopsy before the first Y-cut was made; I couldn't stand the thought of leaving Josh alone on that stainless-steel table.

I'm living proof that there is no such thing as running out of tears.

My phone rings again, making its journey towards me and it takes all I have not to pick it up and fling it as far away from me as possible. As it rings, the heavy clunk of boots on my wood floor announces who's come to see me. The one person I never want to see again and can't bear the thought of living without.

Mick.

"Gonna answer that?" Mick's voice is quiet and tired. I wonder briefly if he's fed or slept and find that I don't have the strength to care.

I force myself to face him. "I don't want to talk to anyone." Especially you. "Please, could you just leave?"

I refuse to see the soul-wrenching weariness of the man who stands before me. I won't let myself care he was in the sun far too long today and looks half-dead. My heart won't go out to him at the sight of his shoulders stooped by defeat and failure and I can't cry because he looks so utterly lost. Sorrow etches his fallen-angel face as he seeks comfort and understanding. I have neither to give him.

"Just give me a minute." I ball myself up against the relentless wave of his voice and struggle not to squeeze my eyes shut. "I know you're angry that I didn't Turn Josh, but I didn't kill him. Huerta killed him and Tejada killed him. Beth," he takes a step forward, "his JOB killed him. You can't blame me for him being gone."

Can't blame him? He could have saved Josh. Could have given him that second chance at an existence. He could have...

"Turning someone into a vampire isn't saving a life, it's taking one." Yet here you stand while Josh lies in the morgue. And you dare to look at me and tell me Josh is better off where he is.

"Because it's such a curse, I KNOW." I'm so weary of this conversation, I could scream. "You tell me all the time."

"You don't know, Beth. How could you know??" He's heating up now, determined to convince me that he did the right thing by letting Josh die. His self-righteousness makes my stomach churn; it's all I can do not to lean over and throw up. How could I know? How much has he told me?

I want to hurt him. I want to open his chest with the same knife he used to open Josh's leg and rip his heart out. I want him to bleed like Josh bled, I want him to suffer like Josh suffered. Like I'm suffering. Suddenly enraged, I do the next best thing.

"If you hate what you are so much, then why do you go on living?"

Mick's head snaps back like I've slapped him in the face and his wounded eyes show me I've hit my mark. In a haze of anger and sorrow, I feel a curious satisfaction and take grim comfort in my cruelty, even as my heart bleeds at Mick's expression of blank shock.

A grim chuckle leaves his lips. "I'm not really sure." He tries to find solid ground. "I'm not really sure."

I can't bear anymore. The tears overwhelm me and I curl into myself, trying and failing to shut him out. He's talking, rushing to explain, trying to make me understand. I want to cover my ears. I don't want to understand why he couldn't do the only thing I've ever begged him to do for me.

"I did alot of bad things after I was Turned, Beth. Things you can never imagine...things I carry tremendous amounts of guilt about." His voice is quiet...remorseful. What he's told me about his past is sketchy at best. I don't understand this loathing he carries inside him, don't understand why anyone would curse the gift of immortality.

"I wanna make up for them."

I can't answer him. The tears do it for me.

"Beth."

Everything inside him is revealed in that one word, everything he wants to say to me and can't.

Please...hear me. Please understand why I couldn't do to Josh what was done to me. I did everything I could and it still wasn't enough for you. I'd give you anything, do anything if I could change things, but there's no going back.

I love you. Forgive me for not being able to level the same curse on Josh that was given to me. Don't turn away from me, I couldn't stand it.

Oh god, I hate him at this moment. The ones he's saved since I met him - Julia, Leni, Audrey. Strangers to him and yet he gave his all to keep them safe. He KNEW Josh, knew he was a good and just man. Mick knew Josh stood on the side of the law and dedicated his life to it, yet he let him die.

I wish I'd let him die in the desert. I wish the silver Lee Jay had pumped into his shoulder had killed him before I ever found out what he was.

I wish he'd take me in his arms and make the pain that's hollowing out my soul go away.

"I just can't stop thinking about him. If you'd have done it, he'd still be here." I finally look at him and ask the question that's burned a hole in my chest ever since he refused my pleas to Turn Josh.

"What if it were me, lying there instead of Josh seconds before death, would you have saved me?" His eyes fill with tears, but he doesn't answer me. "WOULD YOU HAVE SAVED ME?"

I don't know what I want the answer to be. If he tells me yes, it cheapens Josh's life. It means that Josh wasn't worth saving. If he says no, then the love I thought was in his eyes was a lie.

"I would have done the same thing." I know it kills him to answer me. I don't know what to do with his answer, I don't know how to feel. Do I mean so little to him that he wouldn't do everything in his power to save my life? This man killed his wife to save me. This vampire who burns in his own private hell kept me safe for decades, yet in the end my life means little to him.

The air empties around me and I know he's gone. I weep for Josh, for a bright life cut short...for a good man that didn't deserve to die. I weep for me, for the loss of that good man, for the knowledge that if it hadn't been for me, he would still live. And I weep for Mick, for the agony of another good man, a man that can't see himself as anything but something to be reviled and feared.

Josh has died for me. Mick has killed for me. Both men have offered me death as tokens of their love and both have paid the price because of it.

Tomorrow I'll go to Josh's apartment and pick out the suit he will wear forever. Tomorrow I will talk to Josh's parents, look into Josh's eyes in his father's face and tell them their son was a good man and I loved him. Tomorrow I will wonder if I will ever see Mick again; I'll wonder if I ever want to.

Tonight I mourn for all of us.

Josh is dead.

Mick is gone.

Eternity has never seemed so endless.

PNW this was absolutely fantastic. I always found the last couple of scenes in LLF totally heartbreaking. Beth's emotions are all over the place and her grieft, distress and mixed up feelings for both men are portrayed beautifully here

Oh Shivvers!

I gotta say I really was pissed at Beth in this scene... still am to be frank. Yes I get she was hurting in all kinds of ways and yeah she tried to make up for it a week later by taking off Josh's ring, asking Mick to a date at the beach and then demanding he kiss-her-or-else on the balcony. (Josh who?) Still these words were sooo harsh. How do you forget someone saying this stuff to you?

But I appreciate the massive effort you have put into explaining her words and describing the thoughts and feelings behind them.

Mostly I like the way you have integrated your words with the show's into such a powerful whole, filling in some blanks, in some cases even deepening her sense of rage against Mick, in others exposing her admission she knew she was being too harsh. It was an almost unbearably emotional scene in its original form and it remains so, becomes even more so, in your hands.

So shivvers. And I mean that in a good way.

PNWgal, this made me choke up. The scene is painful in the show, but you gave it even more depth and emotion, and though I always felt that Beth was grieving and lashing out I now understand her even more. Pain will do things to you, make you say things you would never say in your right mind. You accuse just the people who are innocent, or hurting themselves. It happens. That's why this scene is so truthful. Thank you for connecting the dots.

Wonderful...just wonderful. Beautifully evocative.

This is fanfic as literary analysis. And I love it.

Lucky

He's heating up now, determined to convince me that he did the right thing by letting Josh die. His self-righteousness makes my stomach churn; it's all I can do not to lean over and throw up. How could I know? How much has he told me?

Nail on the head.

I want to hurt him. I want to open his chest with the same knife he used to open Josh's leg and rip his heart out. I want him to bleed like Josh bled, I want him to suffer like Josh suffered. Like I'm suffering.

Grief in a nutshell.

Oh god, I hate him at this moment. The ones he's saved since I met him - Julia, Leni, Audrey. Strangers to him and yet he gave his all to keep them safe. He KNEW Josh, knew he was a good and just man. Mick knew Josh stood on the side of the law and dedicated his life to it, yet he let him die.

I wish I'd let him die in the desert. I wish the silver Lee Jay had pumped into his shoulder had killed him before I ever found out what he was.

She doesn't get that it's not the same thing. He saved their lives - mortal lives - exactly what he tried to do with Josh.

I wish he'd take me in his arms and make the pain that's hollowing out my soul go away.

Great juxtaposition.

This vampire who burns in his own private hell kept me safe for decades, yet in the end my life means little to him.

Again, this is a fundamental difference between Mick and Beth - and something she has in common with Josef. She sees vampirism as life; Mick doesn't.

Josh has died for me. Mick has killed for me. Both men have offered me death as tokens of their love and both have paid the price because of it.

Josh is dead.

Mick is gone.

Eternity has never seemed so endless.

Just... Wow.

New thread...new habits. I'm going to do my darndest to be better about responding to feedback.

coco, thanks! As I've had it said to me, we tend to adore Mick and put him on a pedestal, me included. This was my attempt to see Beth's side. She lost someone she loved - she's going to be angry.

grace, when she said those words to Mick, I wanted to slap her - I thought they were harsh and unnecessarily cruel, but...I'm trying more to understand her side of things. Glad I could give ya shivers.

I agree, francis - grief makes you lash out at the nearest target - and although I'll never agree with Beth here, I now see the reasons for her reactions.

Thanks, Lucky - I love the word "evocative" and love it even more applied to something I've written.

Eris - you get me. Thank you. Even if Beth realized later that "Josh wouldn't have wanted that", she still sees Turning differently than Mick. A chasm too broad to bridge, perhaps?

PNWgal wrote:I am BEYOND excited to be posting my first new fic here at the new site!

Oh me too!!! Me too. I'm so excited I could do a little jig.

And what a new fic it is. Your ongoing mission to break my poor little heart is going strong, PNW, very strong. I think the thing I love most about this whole piece is its truth. Grief is raw and messy and ugly and makes no sense to anyone except the person feeling it. You lay that out for us so convincingly, so beautifully, to bring a tremble to my chin and tears to my eyes - for Josh, for Beth, for Mick.

PNWgal wrote:The one person I never want to see again and can't bear the thought of living without.

And there it is - summed up with such beauty.

PNWgal wrote:I don't want to understand why he couldn't do the only thing I've ever begged him to do for me.

And also the need for the grief-stricken Beth to be allowed, to be able, to feel the contradictions in her own emotions. She knows that understanding might soothe her pain just a little, but she wants and needs to hang onto that fierce anger. For now.

PNWgal wrote:"Beth."

Everything inside him is revealed in that one word, everything he wants to say to me and can't.

Oh yes. Everything indeed. A benediction in one word. So beautiful.

PNWgal wrote:Eternity has never seemed so endless.

And finally, finally, she begins to understand.

This really is just very, very moving.

Red

Thanks, Red. For a long time I didn't want to understand Beth's POV, but you're right - grief is ugly and messy and makes no sense. Beth's hurting and Mick's a convenient target - he's alive and Josh is not and he refused to give Josh the same chance he got to live beyond his years.

Beth's torn - there's feelings for Mick there, but right now what's front and center is Josh. Him asking her to understand and forgive him is too much for at this moment.

Consider this a bit of payback for the times I've SOBBED over Afterglow.

*sniffle*

It's a sweet revenge....

*hands Red a tissue*

The next one won't be so heart-wrenching. Just waitin on Lucky to release it from captivity.

Ahhhh, you posted it. You know how much I love this. Like you, PNW, I hated Beth for almost a week after this scene. In retrospect, she had every right to be so angry. She was grieving, dammit. It was Mick who was selfish. It was bad timing and innapropriate for him to go there at that time for his 'woes me' junket. What the thell did he expect from her right then? Of course she could not understand why Mick hated what he was. Like she said once, it looked pretty good from where she's sitting. He never explains anything to her. Because he wants her to walk a fine line. Attracted to what he is so she doesn't leave and scared enough that she doesn't get too close.

I held his cold hand as if my warmth could bring him back, whispering words of comfort as if he could still hear me. I walked beside the gurney as it wheeled its gruesome cargo into the sterile house of death, ignoring the startled look the coroner shot my way. Over Guillermo's objections, I watched him cut off Josh's blood-soaked clothes and wash his dead nakedness. Carl forcibly made me leave Autopsy before the first Y-cut was made; I couldn't stand the thought of leaving Josh alone on that stainless-steel table.

Rip my heart out, why don't you. I can't even imagine that pain. Of course seeing him as a vampire would be preferable. Maybe later, after the hurt is not so deep, so fresh, she can think rationaly about it all. Mick should have given her that time.

I really struggled with this Season 1 scene.....so painful. Mick's face so heartbreakingly beautiful...

I don't know if a Season 2 would have helped, if he didn't get a grip on the 'I'm a moster/would never doom anyone to eternity..'
I just couldn't see that dragging on into future seasons..he admits in the last scene that he loves her, she's not ready to be turned..yet..but if that doesn't happen, then she's just a blip on the eternity radar and he hasn't changed..
..50 years, Mick, time to make peace with what you are..and Beth? Either join his world or find another guy with a good chicken recipe...'cause let me tell you, the decades fly by fast.

I fear I would have lost interest without progress in these areas...thank God for fanfic though, taking the story in so many interesting directions...

Break my heart, stomp on it, then kick it, why don't you.

Damn, this resonates powerfully with me each and every time I read it. This is Moonlight, in it's simplest form, and in all its wondrous complexity.

Change your tendency toward wordiness, and I will have to have a talk with your ass!!!

PNWgal.

Beautiful chapter. Beth's pain was so raw, she just couldn't be there for Mick. She knew what she said, cut him to the core. It's sad but true, that sometimes we hurt the ones we love.

Beth knew that's what she did to Mick, and I think this series of thoughts was especially telling.

Tonight I mourn for all of us.

Josh is dead.

Mick is gone.

Eternity has never seemed so endless.

Great story!