My Vampire Heart (In Between 13 and 14, PG13)
Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:30 am
Disclaimer: Moonlight is not mine and no copyright infringement is intended.
This story is posted in two parts. The second part is in the same thread.
IN BETWEEN
thirteen and fourteen
My Vampire Heart
The night air was cold, and the rooftop suddenly looked desolate. Mick looked down at the blanket, the candles, the bottle of wine, Beth’s dishes. Beth was gone, even her scent blown away on the wind. Mick could still feel her startled reaction to his sudden, violent kiss: her body stiffening as she tried to fight his hold on her, then finally turning supple as she relaxed against him and began to return the kiss. That kiss – it had been pure desperation, on his part. I had to choose. To stop her and show her what I truly wanted, or watch her walk away. If he’d let her walk away, if he hadn’t caught her arm and pulled her back to him . . . would he have lost her forever? That was how it had felt.
And even though he had chosen, even though he’d tried to show her just how much he loved her, she’d only stared at him when he’d finally broken the kiss. Should he have gone on, as he’d wanted to? Pushed her back on that blanket under the sky, and pushed himself past all his fears? That would have convinced her that he was serious, that he truly meant to have – somehow - a real relationship with her. But he couldn’t have done it, not tonight. Not even if stopping meant that he’d lose her. This turning had been nothing like the last, and he almost had himself completely under control – but his control wasn’t as good as it had been before. Not quite. Kissing Beth, holding her tight as she struggled against him, he’d felt the vampire surge within him. Beth was right about one thing, at least. I’m afraid. Even in a week’s time, he’d started to get used to his human body. Being a vampire felt strange again. His senses were overwhelmed, and this was no time to push his control to its limits. He was unbalanced, unsettled. How could he sort things out in his mind now? He needed time.
Would Beth give it to him?
Mick jumped heavily down to the rooftop, walked to each candle in turn, and blew them all out. Don’t take too long, she’d said, when he’d told her he needed time to work things out. You may have forever, but I don’t. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain of those words deep in his soul. Why did she say that? He’d given up everything for her, she knew what being human had meant to him . . . why had she thrown his immortality back at him that way? Why had she walked away from him? He could still feel her hand pulling free of his, her warm grip suddenly gone, leaving him holding nothing. Leaving him alone.
The wind picked up, blowing across the rooftop, and he felt colder than ever. His senses must still be confused by the change . . . a vampire shouldn’t feel the cold like this. He went back inside. Beth had come this way, down the stairs. She’d picked up her bag and gone on, out the door. Had she even looked back? Inside, out of the wind, her scent was overwhelmingly strong. All smells were too intense again, though he was at least able to tell them apart. The smell of food was the strongest. There was food everywhere - the big basket of bread on the counter, the open bottles of wine, the candy in his jars - and it suddenly made him feel sick. I’ve got to get rid of it. All of it. I can’t bear to have it here. He headed blindly for the kitchen and nearly stumbled over the bed.
So soft, so warm, pillows and blankets and soothing comfort, blissful dreams of what could have happened here with Beth . . . Mick sat down on the bed, then lay on it, clutching the pillow tightly.
He hadn’t lied to Beth, not really. He didn’t regret giving up his mortal life to save hers. It terrified him to think how close she’d been to death, to being systematically drained for her rare blood. By vampires. How I hate what I am. If he’d been unconscious a little longer, if he’d been injured more severely, if he hadn’t gotten to her in time . . . no, don’t think of it. There had been a way to save her, and he had gotten there in time. That was all that mattered.
But God, oh God, how he missed being human.
Travis came around the corner, saw him on the bed, and stiffened, his ears laid flat against his head. The cat hissed, backed away, and then fled up the stairs. Mick watched as Travis disappeared. Yesterday, he had woken to find the cat curled contentedly on the blanket at his feet.
I wanted more time. Just a little more time. He thought of Beth, of the way he’d been able to look at her this week. I saw her in the sun, without dark glasses, without pain. That was over, now. He would never see her that way again. Nothing about his relationship with Beth would ever be that way again. And he was afraid. Beth had no idea how dangerous a human relationship with a vampire really could be. Vampires had been known to kill their human lovers, if they lost control. It didn’t happen often, but it happened. And the biting . . . Some women like that, Josef had said, but how could Mick know if Beth would? I’m not just afraid of losing her, or of hurting her. I’m afraid of rejection, too.
If only he could have made love to Beth while he was human. But he hadn’t even kissed her during that time. He’d wanted to kiss her on the beach, and maybe she’d wanted it too, but it had been too soon then. He was sure of that. And too late now. He glanced sideways at the kitchen table, remembering how he’d woken up there, with the taste of blood in his mouth. He’d woken with tears on his face, as if, even unconscious and near death, he’d known just what he was losing. He was in tears now, he was sobbing into the pillow like a child, and he couldn’t stop. The tears weren’t just for losing his humanity; they spilled over into Beth’s painful words, and from there into everything he’d ever lost – everyone who’d died while he’d gone on. His brother, his parents. Lilah and Ray. Tyler. Chloe.
Someone knocked softly on the door.
Mick looked up, in the sudden wild hope that Beth had come back. But it wasn’t her, and there was no one else in the world he wanted to see. All he could think of were the people he had lost. And Rose . . . oh God, Rose. He’d found her again, beyond hope - she’d been back in his life - but now that he’d turned back, could he ever see her again? He turned away from the door and lay back down, staring blankly at the far wall.
Another gentle tap came at the door, and Mick ignored it. It wasn’t Beth. It wasn’t a vampire either, so it couldn’t be Josef or Elaine. Why should he answer? The knock didn’t come again, and he was thankful for that. He couldn’t bear to face anyone, not now. But after a while, he started to wonder who it had been. He checked his watch, and was startled to see that it was almost one in the morning. He’d had no idea that it had gotten so late.
Why would a human come by so late? Maybe it had actually been important.
It was bothering him now. He got restlessly to his feet, went to the roof, and looked out. He didn’t see anything, but he could hear the faint sound of voices below, in the alley behind the building. He jumped, landed on a ledge five stories down, and listened again. A man’s drunken voice said, “Come on, you’ll have fun. Don’t be so mean. It isn’t nice to try to call the cops.” There was a clatter that sounded like a phone being thrown to the pavement.
A girl’s voice answered, small and scared. “Leave me alone. I’m not coming with you.”
Mick knew that voice. What was Bonnie Morrow doing here, and what kind of trouble had she landed in? He dropped the rest of the way to the ground, quickly circled the building, and strode into the alley. Two young men stood there, one with a hand on Bonnie’s arm. With one deft motion, Mick freed her arm and shoved the man aside.
“The lady said no,” he said calmly. “Get lost. Both of you.”
He sighed when one of the men pulled a knife, his friend echoing the movement with his own weapon. Bonnie gasped, backing away. Mick moved to keep her behind him, watching warily as a third man appeared and joined the others. The three weren’t just drunk, they were high, which made them far more dangerous. He could still take out three humans easily enough - none of them were likely to be packing silver - but he didn’t want to vamp out in front of Bonnie.
“Get inside,” he called back to her, but she was frozen. She didn’t move. An instant later the first man lunged toward Mick, his knife out. Mick feinted easily, knocked the knife from his hand, and threw him halfway across the alley. He’d hoped the other two would run, but they were too high to back down, soaring on a mix of alcohol and drugs.
“Mick, be careful!” Bonnie cried.
“I’ll be fine. Will you get inside?” If she wasn’t watching he could let himself go . . . the sight of his fangs alone would probably be enough to get rid of these two young punks. Of course, it might not be wise to let even drug-addled criminals witness his vampire state just now, since he'd just gotten clear of a police investigation. The Cleaners definitely wouldn’t approve, and anyway, Bonnie was still watching. Was she too scared to move? Too stubborn? Mick thought of Beth, grumbling about being told to wait in the car, and almost smiled. But he still wanted Bonnie safe inside.
The second man knew how to use a knife. Mick dodged under his thrust and hit the ground rolling, coming up behind him to bring him down. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of metal, the third man’s knife flying through the air, aimed not at him but at Bonnie. He leaped sideways, inhumanly fast, flinging out his hand to catch it. The knife hit his hand point first, slamming all the way through his palm. He grabbed the hilt and yanked it out, just as painfully as it had gone in. His hand bled fiercely for an instant, then healed, and the pain was gone. But his fury wasn’t. Bonnie was behind him now; Mick turned his gaze on the man who’d thrown the knife, letting him see the pale glow of his eyes, the tips of his fangs. This man had tried to hurt Bonnie . . . Mick’s eyes burned cold, and he heard his own low growl as he strode forward, hefting the gory knife. The first two men were already running away; the third, looking terrified, broke and ran after them. Mick followed, longing to chase them all down and kill them, to make them pay . . . he kept seeing Elaine, lying bleeding to death in another alley . . . but Bonnie was all alone back there, and he didn’t dare leave her unprotected. He let out a furious snarl, and slowed down. The three panicked men vanished from his sight, and soon he could no longer hear them. Had he scared them enough to stop them from attacking other women? He could only hope.
He stood still, fighting off the change, pushing back the vampire with all of his strength. It was much more difficult than it should have been. After fighting for Beth, he’d had the same problem: his body wasn't used to having to deal with this. He concentrated hard, trying to remember how it had felt before, and his face finally settled into human form. He glanced down at his right hand, where the knife had hit, and swore when he saw that his hand was covered with blood. He couldn’t let Bonnie see that. He hastily wiped the blood off on the back of his shirt, and arranged his coat to cover the bloodstains. As he worked, he heard Bonnie’s footsteps in the alley far behind him, heard her stop and pick something up off the ground. She’d found her phone - damn, she was going to call for help. He was back at her side in an instant, reaching out to stop her.
“It’s okay, they’ve gone,” he said. “You don’t need to call the cops.”
“No, we need an ambulance,” she gasped, trying to pull her phone back from him. “Your hand, oh my God . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“You can’t be! I saw the knife go in! And – and -- ”
Mick held out both of his hands to her, hoping he’d really gotten all the blood off. She stared at his hands for a long time, then looked up at his face, her eyes clouded with the memory of what she thought she’d seen. “I saw the knife hit you,” she said faintly. “I was sure I did.”
“I was lucky. I caught it by the hilt. Bonnie, are you all right?”
“How could you -- ” She shivered, looking lost.
“Bonnie?”
“I was so scared,” she whispered. “I thought they were going to kill me. Then I thought they were going to kill you.”
“It’s all okay now. Come on. Let’s get inside.”
Bonnie trailed after him, her gaze still fixed on his right hand as the elevator ascended. Mick keyed open the apartment door, motioned Bonnie in, and locked the door behind him. As soon as they were in the well-lit apartment, Bonnie stopped him and grasped his hands, carefully examining the right one. Her own hands were trembling, and her face was very pale. “Oh God, I am crazy,” she said. “I saw the knife go through your hand! I saw your blood! Ellen’s right, I should be locked up . . .”
“Bonnie, no. Sit down. Come on, right here.” He guided her to the couch, sat her down, and got a blanket from the bed to drape over her. What a nightmare . . . he couldn’t let her know he’d been hit, but he couldn’t let her think she was crazy, either. He knelt in front of her, steadying her hands in his, looking into her eyes. It was disconcerting how much she made him think of Chloe. Bonnie looked like Chloe; that was why he’d noticed her to start with. But she was really a lot more like Elaine. She bowed her head, avoiding Mick’s gaze, her hair falling over her face. “Bonnie, look at me,” Mick said gently. “Look at me, okay?” Finally, reluctantly, she did so. “You aren’t crazy,” he said firmly. “It was dark, and that knife ought to have hit me. It probably looked like it did. Your eyes just played tricks on you. Happens all the time, when you’re scared, and you had good reason to be scared. Don’t you think for a minute that it means you’re crazy.”
“But I am,” Bonnie sobbed. “Ellen said I was and it’s true. I tried to kill myself, didn’t I? How crazy is that?”
“That depends on how much pain you’re in,” Mick said quietly. What in the world was wrong with Ellen, telling a kid a thing like that? “It might not be crazy at all.” God knew he’d tried to end his own life, during those first few months of uncontrollable bloodlust. He’d only survived because he hadn’t ever stumbled across a method that would work on a vampire.
“What?” Bonnie was startled out of her misery.
“I’m not saying it was the right thing to do. But I do understand why you did it.”
Bonnie rubbed her eyes and looked at Mick searchingly. “Have you ever – done anything like that?”
Mick nodded. “A long time ago.”
“Then – did somebody stop you? Like you did me?”
“Kind of.” Coraline had stopped him, he supposed, by never letting him get a hint of what really would kill a vampire.
“Oh.” Bonnie was silent for a moment. “Why did you do it? Was it because of your secret?”
“Yeah, it was.” And in another second she’d ask the question he couldn’t answer . . . he straightened quickly and headed for the kitchen. “You’re still shivering,” he said over his shoulder. “You need something hot. Tea or coffee?”
“Coffee, I guess,” Bonnie said hesitantly.
She was still watching him, obviously wanting to ask him more. He kept his back to her, busying himself with the coffee, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Travis had come down the stairs and was peering at Bonnie from behind the bottom step. Go on, cat. Distract her. Mick pretended not to see him there, and after a moment Travis crept out from under the stairs, making his way toward Bonnie. She saw him, and her tense face suddenly relaxed. “Oh, you have a cat!” she said. “What’s his name? Or – is he a boy?”
“He’s a boy. His name’s Travis. But he’s not mine.”
“He isn’t?”
“He belonged to Maureen. I was going to keep him, but he doesn’t really like me. I’ve got to find him another home.”
“Oh. Poor kitty.” She patted her lap invitingly. “Come on, Travis. Come say hello?” With a wary glance at Mick, Travis approached Bonnie and rubbed against her legs. She picked him up and put him in her lap, and he curled up there, purring. Mick felt a sharp, irrational pang of envy, but holding the cat steadied Bonnie; her heart rate slowed as she petted him, and she grew visibly calmer.
“I always wanted a cat,” she said. “Dad’s allergic, though.”
“He likes you.” Mick tried not to think of Beth, putting the cat in his own lap, of her amused voice saying I think he likes you.
“He’s nice.” Bonnie swallowed. “About Maureen . . . I was wondering. About my father. You must have thought that he was . . . involved.”
“Maureen was investigating a lot of different stories,” Mick said. “We had to look into all of them. But your father didn’t have anything to do with her death.”
“Oh.” Bonnie stared down at Travis. “Are you sure? You’re not just saying that?”
“I’m sure. He did some things that were very wrong, but that wasn’t one of them.” Mick poured a cup of coffee for her, taking in its scent. It was still coffee, still recognizable . . . why didn’t it smell the same? There was no appeal to it at all. Not now. “You want cream or sugar?”
“Both. Thanks.”
Mick added cream and sugar and cautiously carried the cup to Bonnie, not wanting to scare Travis. No luck there; the cat launched himself off Bonnie’s lap and disappeared again. With a sigh Mick handed Bonnie the cup, and she wrapped her hands around it, warming them, before lifting it to her mouth to take a sip. He settled down on one of the chairs, facing her.
“Thanks,” Bonnie said softly. “I’m sorry I’m so much trouble. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“How did you find me, anyway? We never even got introduced.”
“I overheard you talking to my dad, after his speech. You told him your name, and you said you were a private investigator. I went online to look up your business, but I ended up having to check the Yellow Pages. Why aren’t you on Facebook?”
Mick rubbed his hand across his face, confused. “Wait a second, I -- ”
“I heard Ellen on the phone tonight,” Bonnie burst out, interrupting him. “She was saying how afraid she was that I was going to do it again. And that scared me so much. How do I know I won’t do it again? How do you go on, after trying something like that? I can’t even believe I did it. It was so stupid. I just felt so trapped, like there wasn’t any way out.”
Trapped. That was a good way to describe it. He remembered what it had felt like as a new turn, being trapped in the body of a vampire, with no way out. But Bonnie had been trapped by her father’s lies, and she was free of them now, even if she didn’t realize it.
“What I learned, afterward, is that there’s always a way out,” Mick said. “Maybe you can’t change the way things are, but you can change the way you look at them. The way you deal with them.”
“Everything’s going to change. I’m supposed to go stay with my grandparents in Seattle - I have a flight out there tomorrow afternoon.”
“Do you like your grandparents?”
“Sure, they’re okay. It’ll be weird to leave L.A. But at least there, maybe they won’t know about my dad being in jail. That’s a benefit, I guess.” She looked up at him. “Do you really mean that? That there’s always a way out?”
“I really do. It can be hard to see, and sometimes you need help finding it, but it’s there.” It was Josef who had given Mick the way out, showing him how to live as a vampire without killing. Coraline had never let him know about freshies, but they’d been there all along.
Bonnie sighed. “My grandparents will probably make me go see a shrink.”
“Well, you are an L.A. girl. I mean, didn’t you know? Everyone from here is supposed to have a shrink.”
That made her laugh, and she relaxed, seeming to accept what he’d told her. He really did think she’d be okay. She’d been afraid of dying tonight, in the alley; she hadn’t shown any of the scary apathy she’d exhibited up on the roof. It felt as if she’d already gotten past the worst of it. But in spite of his own experiences, and in spite of Elaine, he was hardly an expert. He didn’t know anything, really, about what would drive a normal human to suicide. But if Bonnie could laugh about having a shrink, maybe she’d be open to going to see one. She’d been through a lot, and she could use some help. The most important thing, though, was to keep Bonnie away from Ellen, who had undermined her confidence so badly.
Well, there was no reason why Bonnie couldn’t stay here tonight, and he could take her to the airport tomorrow and put her safely on the plane to Seattle. When he told her that, she looked relieved. She didn’t even protest when he suggested that she send a text to Ellen, just to let the woman know she was safe. An hour later Bonnie was sound asleep, curled up in Mick’s bed with Travis beside her.
Mick sat halfway up the staircase, watching Bonnie sleep, and thought about the freezer upstairs. It was far too early for a vampire to sleep, even if he could bear to get back into his freezer. He got up and went to his office instead, and settled down behind the desk, glancing at his watch. Only 3 am -- it was going to be a long night. Needing something to do, Mick turned on his computer and pulled up his case file on Gregory Foster. He took the paper folder out of his desk drawer, opened it, and looked at the boy’s photograph. So much had happened of late, he could scarcely remember the last time he’d even thought of this case. It hadn’t been that long, really, but so much had happened. Coraline. The nightmare in New York. Kevin’s death, and Josh’s. A week of humanity.
Gregory Foster’s picture looked different, somehow. Familiar. Mick stared at it for a long time. He’d never bothered to run it through his aging software, since the program couldn’t begin to be accurate all the way out to the age of 65. But now he loaded the picture into his program and let it assemble an image of Gregory Foster at age thirteen. His breath caught when he saw the result. Could this really be who he thought it was? Mick adjusted the settings, lengthening the boy’s hair so that it fell into his eyes. The resemblance was uncanny, but how could he be certain? His memory of that time was so hazy, so blurred.
Elaine will know for sure.
He emailed her the altered picture, and got an almost instant response. She must be at home now, working at her computer . . . he opened her reply and read it. Sure, that’s Thomas. What’s going on? Is everything okay? Still having a blast being human? E.
Mick blinked at the unexpected pain of her last question. God. He’d almost forgotten, just for the moment, what he’d lost.
And Elaine didn’t know. He needed to tell her.
Everything’s fine. But it’s over now; I’ve turned back. Like they say, life is short. M.
He’d said the same thing to Beth, trying to make light of it. Why was he still trying to pretend it didn’t matter? But he hadn’t the heart to try to come up with different words. Quickly he pressed send, then shut down the computer and got up. The room suddenly seemed stifling; he left the office and went upstairs to the roof. He jumped to the parapet, taking deep gulping breaths of the night air. It was perfectly safe, now, for him to stand at the very edge of a roof and look down. Mick tried to remember standing like this as a human . . . the fear, the exhilaration . . . but it was already fading. No, please. Let me at least remember what it was like.
He heard movement below him, on the opposite wall, and he spun and leaped down, his hand going to his pocket to grip the stake he kept there. But the vampire who joined him on the roof, a moment later, was Elaine. Mick stared at her in astonishment and let go of the stake.
“You’re climbing buildings now?” he asked, hardly able to believe what she’d done. “You always told me that was what elevators were for.”
“It is. But I was in a hurry.” Elaine’s gaze strayed away from him, taking in the blanket, the remains of the meal, the blown-out candles. She swallowed, pushing tangled hair back from her face, and said, “Mick – I’m sorry. I really am. I never thought it would only last a week. It doesn’t seem fair.”
He tried to shrug it off. “That’s just the way things are. Life isn’t fair.”
“Don’t, Mick.” There was pain in her voice, in her eyes. “Don’t try to tell me you don’t care.”
Mick met her gaze for a moment, then looked away and sat down with his back to the parapet, pulling his coat around him. Elaine hesitantly sat down beside him.
“Why did it wear off so fast?” she asked. “Do you know?”
“It didn’t wear off. I asked Josef to turn me back.”
“What? But – but why?”
“Beth,” he whispered. “She’s safe now. But yesterday, she was kidnapped – right in front of me. By vampires. I couldn’t stop them as a human, I couldn’t fight them. I couldn’t protect her.”
“But you could have gotten help! I don’t know how to fight, but Josef does. And he has people who work for him. He could have gone after Beth, couldn’t he?”
“He did go after her. He came with me. There were three of them – it took both of us to get through to Beth.” He sighed. “And yeah, I could have asked Josef to get some guys together, instead of going in myself. I thought about that, for about half a second. It might even have worked. But Josef’s people wouldn’t have cared about Beth. At all. And even Josef wouldn’t have cared enough. It had to be me.”
He thought bleakly of the way he’d originally planned to go in, as a human. It hadn’t seemed so outlandish at the time. He had the knowledge, he had the weapons, he was ready to fight. He’d been taken by surprise before, by Anders, but now he knew what he’d be facing. Why shouldn’t he be able to rescue Beth as he was? He’d had no concept of what vampire strength and speed looked like from a human viewpoint. As a vampire, it felt perfectly ordinary. As a human, on the receiving end, it was like being struck by lightning. Thank God Josef had confronted him, had stopped him. Otherwise Mick would have gotten himself killed, and Beth would probably be dead now too. Or she’d still be a captive, waiting to die.
“What a nightmare,” Elaine muttered. “Why did they take her?”
“She has a rare blood type.”
Elaine flinched. She knew what that meant. “Oh. But – she’s okay? They didn’t do anything to her?”
“No. We got there in time.” Mick wasn’t sure exactly what they’d planned for her, though his imagination filled in possibilities all too well. And he wasn’t at all sure why they’d taken Ben Talbot as well, while leaving Mick himself behind. Did Talbot also have a rare blood type? It didn’t seem likely. Why else would they have wanted Talbot? There was no chance of finding out now. Cleaners had no tolerance of vampires who harvested human blood in such a way - such practices endangered the community. Anders, and the other vampire Mick had staked, would certainly have been executed by now.
They didn’t hurt Beth. Not physically, anyway. Neither had Coraline, when Beth was a child. But Mick knew just how much that long-ago kidnapping had traumatized Beth. It must have been absolute horror for her, to be bound and helpless in the hands of another vampire. How much had it brought back the terror she’d felt as a child?
Yet when Mick had come to her, she’d thought only of him. Her look of shock, her hand touching his changed face, her only question: what happened? As he’d lifted her to her feet, putting an arm around her waist to steady her, she’d laid her hand over his, reaching out to him with gentle comfort. She hadn’t been able to speak of it, with Talbot there, but he’d felt her sorrow for him. He’d seen it in her eyes.
She does care. I know she does. She knows what I gave up for her, and what it meant to me.
So why did she walk away?
The call had come two hours after midnight. Mick knew how troubled Beth had been lately, so he wasn’t totally surprised to hear her mother’s voice on the phone, ten and a half years after the last time he’d spoken to her.
“Is this Mr. St. John? Oh, thank God. This is Kate Turner. I’m calling about my daughter Beth. I don’t know if you remember her . . .”
As if I could ever forget. “I remember Beth, Mrs. Turner. What’s happened?”
“She’s disappeared. I mean – it’s not like before, I’m sure she left on her own – but she’s been so upset lately, I’m afraid of what she might do. She only just turned fifteen, and she’s out there all alone in the middle of the night, and I’m scared.”
“I can come right over, Mrs. Turner. I’ll see what I can do. Are you still at the same address?” He knew perfectly well that she was.
“Yes, the same.” She recited the address for him; he didn’t write it down.
“I’m on my way.”
They were living in the same place, but he wasn’t. Mick had taken a new apartment years ago, in order to be closer to Beth. He could be at the house in under five minutes, but he had some maintenance to do first. Kate Turner might be too distressed to notice his lack of aging, but he could hardly count on that. It had been almost eleven years . . . a different overall look would help. It took only moments for him to cut his hair short, touch it with silver at the temples, and add a few lines to his face. Less than half an hour after he’d gotten the call, he was pulling the Mercedes to the curb in front of Beth’s house.
Beth still had the same upstairs room, but it was a teenager’s room now, with only a few remnants left of the child she had been. Posters of bands and actors now adorned the walls, replacing the pictures Mick remembered, but a few of her old stuffed animals still rested on her bed. Mick picked up a battered plush duck and held it for a moment before putting it back down.
“She’s been seeing this boy,” Mrs. Turner said. “An older boy – really much too old for her. Ever since she met him she’s been in trouble. Drinking, coming in late, maybe even drugs, though I haven’t caught her with them. I’ve forbidden her to see him, I’ve grounded her . . . but I swear, everything I’ve said and done has just made her more determined to be with him.”
“Sounds like Beth’s still pretty stubborn,” Mick said, giving her mother a faint smile. It was true that Beth had been in trouble ever since she’d met David Wallace. But Mick didn’t think her behavior was all because of the boy. He suspected it had a lot more to do with her parents’ divorce, which had happened years ago but was still resonating through the girl’s life.
Mrs. Turner sighed. “That’s putting it mildly.”
Beth had seen David much more frequently – and more intimately – than her mother knew. Mick had been torn about whether or not to interfere, but in the end, he’d backed away, letting events play out as they would. This was Beth’s life, Beth’s choice. She was safe enough with the boy; he would never hurt her physically. Mick was watching over Beth to protect her from harm, not from life. And it was a little hard for him to disapprove of a mere three-year age difference.
But tonight – it was strange that Beth had vanished this way. She did frequently come home later than she should, but she wasn’t in the habit of slipping out of the house in the middle of the night.
“Was Beth upset about anything in particular today?” he asked.
“Yes, very upset. Something happened today, but I don’t know what. She wouldn’t tell me. You know how it is.”
“Yeah. She’s a teenager.” Mick found himself thinking of Elaine. Last week he’d tried, again, to find out why she was so angry with Josef, but she’d closed herself off and had refused to talk about it. Teenagers. Beth, at least, would grow out of the stage in a few years. And then what? What would happen when Beth’s age began to come close to his own? His own feelings were already in so much turmoil, now that she was growing up. His pure love and care for Beth would never change, not even when she grew old, but --
“Do you have any idea where she might have gone?” Mrs. Turner asked anxiously.
“Out the window,” he said. “I’ll go after her.”
He climbed out the window and down to the yard the same way Beth had, careful to act human while Beth’s mother was watching him. Then he slipped silently into the shadows of the night, and moved faster. It was easy to track Beth; she had walked all the way to her destination, and he would know her scent anywhere. He found her at last not far from David's house, in a little park full of kids’ play equipment: a swingset, a teeter-totter, a slide. She was standing near the slide, looking up at a tall handsome boy. The boy was looking away from her, not meeting her gaze.
“I told you already,” the boy said. He was more than a little drunk, and his voice was slurred. “What else do you need to know? I’m breaking it off. That’s all there is to it.”
“But why?”
“Come on, Beth. It was just a fling. You know that, right? You and me, we couldn’t ever really be together.”
“And just why is that?” Beth asked woodenly.
“Look, Beth. I’m gonna be in college. You’re still in middle school. It’s, like, different worlds.”
“You didn’t think like that before your birthday.”
“Well, I think like that now. Things are different now.”
“You’re scared,” Beth said contemptuously. “You’re scared of getting in trouble, now that you’re eighteen.”
The boy’s mouth tightened, but he didn’t answer that. He turned his back on her and walked away, leaving her all alone in the dark night.
“But you said you loved me,” Beth said forlornly.
She stood still for a long time. Finally she set off in the opposite direction, drifting from side to side and stumbling, though she hadn’t been drinking at all tonight. She was simply in shock. Mick moved silently from house to house, following her closely. A pretty fifteen-year-old blonde, stumbling along a sidewalk after midnight, was nothing if not a target. How could that idiot boy just leave her alone out here?
Beth stopped suddenly, and spun around. Mick froze in the shadows. Beth called out, “Who’s there?”
He kept silent, and stopped breathing.
“I know you’re there. Stop hiding! Let me see you!”
She spun around again, and finally fell to her knees. “You’re not real after all, are you? I imagined you all this time. If I really had a guardian angel, this would never have happened to me.” She put her head in her hands, crying, and Mick’s heart ached for her. He longed to go to her, to put his arms around her and hold her the way she’d held him when she was little. She needed comfort so badly. You do have a guardian angel, Beth. You do. But there are some things I can’t protect you from . . . .
“Mick?” It was Elaine, still sitting beside him, looking doubtful. “Beth really is okay, right?”
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I don’t think they did anything to her. But still . . .”
“She must have been so frightened,” Elaine said.
“Yeah.” And she’d been so alone. Her guardian angel had become a mere mortal, unable to do anything at all to protect her. She’d seen it happen, when Mick was overpowered and knocked out. She couldn’t have known, then, if he was even still alive.
“Are things okay between you?”
Mick shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“What happened tonight?” Elaine asked.
“I told her I needed time to figure things out. Now that I’ve changed back, everything’s different – it’s harder, more dangerous. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that. She told me not to take too long. And she just walked away.”
And maybe I know why. Mick hadn’t thought of that night in ‘94 for a long time, hadn’t remembered David’s words, the words that had hurt Beth so deeply. Things are different now, David had said. The boy had backed away from a relationship with Beth because he was frightened of what the consequences might be. Mick closed his eyes, hearing Beth’s words in his mind: maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt. What memories had come back to life tonight, in Beth’s mind?
“Mick, she really doesn’t understand how it’s different,” Elaine said quietly. “It matters the world to you, whether you’re vampire or human – but it doesn’t matter to her. All she sees is you. Whatever you are.” She rubbed at her eyes, blinking back sudden tears. “Which is a miracle, and you don’t even see it, do you? You’re both blind. God, you were made for each other.”
“I do see it,” Mick said, strained. “It means everything to me, that she doesn’t care. But that doesn’t change the facts. Things are different now. It’s dangerous for a human to be with a vampire, and she needs to know that.”
“Yeah? Well, all relationships are dangerous, as far as I can see. At least you can’t give Beth some awful disease that’ll end up killing her. And come on, Mick . . .” her voice softened, as if in memory. “You could never hurt her.”
Mick looked at her, startled and curious. He wanted to ask what it had been like for her and Kevin, but he didn’t dare – she was already in tears. And maybe he didn’t need to ask. Strange to think that on this issue, she had far more experience than he did, and she’d described the first week of her marriage as being heavenly. There was no doubt that that week had been an intimate one for her and Kevin. But nothing had gone wrong until she’d told Kevin what she was. Nothing at all. And Beth already knows what I am.
“You really believe that?” Mick managed to ask.
“Yes. I do.” Elaine rubbed at her eyes again, and looked up at the night sky. “And I sure as hell hope you’re going to do something about it. So. Are you planning on telling me why you sent me a picture of Thomas?”
It was an explicitly clear change of subject. Mick said, “I need to show you, actually. Down in my office.”
“Okay.”
“But I should tell you, I’ve got company.”
Elaine raised her brows. “I thought you said Beth walked out on you tonight.”
“Not Beth. Just a kid in trouble, who needed a place to sleep tonight.” He was careful not to give her any more information – maybe Elaine wouldn’t look too closely. He didn’t really want Elaine to know just how much Bonnie resembled Chloe.
“Didn’t know you took in strays,” Elaine said dubiously, but she followed him into the apartment. Bonnie was sleeping face down, fortunately, and Travis was still curled at her feet. Elaine’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything until they were in the office with the door shut. The office was fairly soundproof; inside, there was no need to modify their voices.
“A teenage girl and a cat?” Elaine said in bewilderment.
“The girl needed some help.”
“And the cat?”
Mick sighed. “His owner was murdered. Since I was human, I took him home with me. But I’ll have to find him another home now.” He thought of Esme and her dog. How in the world had she managed to overcome the dog’s natural fear? Obviously it was possible, but he didn’t think he was going to achieve it with Travis.
“I used to like cats,” Elaine said wistfully.
“Did you ever have one?”
“No. But Chloe did.”
“Oh.” This wasn’t a good time for Elaine to be thinking of Chloe. Mick grabbed the file folder from his desk and opened it, laying it out in front of Elaine. The photograph of Gregory Foster, age six, rested on top. “This is the case I told you about, a while back,” he said. “The boy who disappeared in 1950.”
“The one Logan was helping you with?”
“Right. Here, have a look.” Settling in front of the computer, Mick ran the boy’s photograph through the aging software again. When it was finished, Elaine stood staring at the image. Gregory Foster, age thirteen. “Thomas,” she whispered.
“Yeah. Thomas looked familiar to me the whole time, but I couldn’t figure it out. And I was pretty muddled, so I thought I must have been imagining it. But then I looked at Gregory Foster’s picture again.”
“Wow.” Elaine sat down abruptly on the edge of his desk. “What do you think happened?”
“From everything else I found out, I think he ran away from home when he was six. I’m not sure how long he might have been on the streets – not very long, I think. And then -- ”
“And then he got attacked by vampires,” Elaine said, “and Marguerite rescued him, and took him home with her.”
Mick nodded. “It’s just so strange for a vampire to adopt a human kid. Especially a Cleaner.”
“Maybe not so strange,” Elaine said. “I heard that Marguerite had a little boy, just about that age, when she was human. She had to give him up when she was turned. And by the time she was safe, it was too late. He had another life by then. So when Thomas came along . . .”
“You’re right. Maybe not so strange.” That explained why Marguerite had tried to help Asha, too. What would it be like, to lose a child when you were turned? It had been hard enough to lose a sister. What was he going to do about Rose? He was a vampire again, forever, and he truly didn’t know if he could face her this way. But how can I bear to lose her all over again?
A light tap came at the office door, and Mick looked up, startled. “Mick?” Bonnie’s voice, from the other side of the door, was soft and hesitant. “There’s a light on . . . are you there? Can I talk to you?”
Mick glanced sideways at Elaine. He didn’t want her to come face to face with his visitor, but she looked interested and curious. How could he possibly explain why he wanted to keep Bonnie away from her? He’d have to take the chance, and see what happened. “Sure, Bonnie,” he said. “Come on in.”
The door opened and Bonnie took a step forward, but stopped abruptly halfway through the door.
“Oh,” she said, seeing Elaine beside him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. I just thought -- ”
Bonnie glanced uncertainly at Elaine, then back to Mick. Elaine, in turn, was staring at Bonnie openly, and she seemed to have forgotten to breathe.
“Sorry,” Bonnie said again, stepping back. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“I was just on my way out,” Elaine said. Her voice was strained. “Thanks for – for letting me know about that, Mick. I have to go now.” She didn’t look at him. When she reached the office door, Bonnie hastily moved aside to let her pass.
“Elaine!” Mick called out. “Elaine, wait!”
Elaine didn’t slow down. She hurried past the stairs, pushed open the apartment door, and disappeared into the hall. Mick started after her.
“Mick, what’s wrong?” Bonnie asked in bewilderment.
“Nothing. Just wait here, okay? I’ll be right back.”
He rushed out to the hall, but the elevator was already on its way down. Should he go after her? Obviously Elaine wanted to be alone, but he wasn’t sure she ought to be. Quickly he ran down the stairs to the lobby, opened the glass door, and looked out. There was no sign of Elaine. Maybe he really should just let her go – chasing after her would only make her run faster. He pulled out his phone instead, to send her a text. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just coincidence. Please get back in touch. Please. M.
Depressed, he rode the elevator back to the penthouse level, and went back into his apartment. Bonnie was waiting for him, sitting on the end of the couch with a blanket wrapped around her, holding Travis. At least she hadn’t disappeared, though she was looking at him nervously. Mick sat down heavily in the chair opposite her. For a wonder, Travis didn’t bolt at the sight of him this time. It was strangely reassuring.
“Who was that girl?” Bonnie asked. “What was she so upset about?”
“Her name’s Elaine,” Mick said. How should he explain her to Bonnie? He simply didn’t look old enough to be Elaine’s father; in the past, they’d occasionally pretended to be uncle and niece. He might as well fall back on that. “My niece,” he said. “She’s a night owl, like me. She just came by to visit.”
“Oh,” Bonnie said. “But why did she leave that way? It seemed like she was upset with me.”
“She wasn’t.” Mick wondered what to tell her. Maybe I should tell her the truth. Or at least as much of it as I can. “It’s just that you remind her of someone. She used to have a friend, a girl she was incredibly close to. You look a lot like her. I think it brought back some memories.”
“What happened to her friend?”
“She died.”
“Oh.” Bonnie swallowed, and held Travis tighter. “How did she die?”
“She was attacked in a back alley, by a man with a knife. Elaine and Chloe were together that night. Elaine survived. Chloe didn’t.” And Mick, of course, hadn’t been there. Why didn’t I notice when Elaine and Chloe left the club? If I’d been with them . . . if I’d walked them to their motel . . .
Bonnie was staring at him. “Are you serious? Just like – like what almost happened to me?”
“Yes.” Chloe hadn’t died from a knife wound, of course, but the similarities were still chilling. “I wasn’t with them. I should have been.” He felt cold, thinking about this night. What if he hadn’t gone out to the roof to look? Bonnie would have been all alone out there. And worse . . . What if I’d still been human? Could he have kept Bonnie from being harmed? He might have been able to hold his own against the three punks, and he would have been carrying a gun, but there was no way in hell he could have caught that knife.
Mick had been carrying a gun during the meeting at Anders’ office, but it had been no use at all against a vampire. Anders was on him before he could fire, knocking the gun from his hand, grabbing him in a grip of iron and flinging him into the air. As he fell, Mick caught a glimpse of Beth – she’d fallen to the floor and was crying out in pain – and then he smashed into a glass table, his momentum carrying him through it to the floor. His head struck something, hard, and the world went black around him. He woke, later, face down in a pile of broken glass, his head resting against his arm, and when he managed to lift his head enough to scan the room, Beth was gone.
He was alone. Talbot was gone too, and so was Anders. Mick tried to push himself up, and excruciating pain shot through his left leg. He rolled onto his side, to ease the pain, and finally managed to sit up. He looked down at his leg, at the jagged piece of broken glass buried deep in his thigh. There was a pool of clotted blood on the floor where he’d been lying, and dark blood was soaked into the fabric of his jeans. Agonized, he looked toward the spot where he’d last seen Beth, and then crawled to it. He found no blood there, thank God. But there was no scent either, no sign, no clue. Nothing at all that a human could detect.
If I’d been a vampire while we were in Anders’ office, Beth would never have been taken. I could have protected her. I would have known what Anders was when we first walked in. It was only by chance, and by luck, that Beth had still been alive when Mick had found her. He could just as easily have awakened on that glass-strewn floor to find her already dead.
It would be hard enough as an ordinary human, seeing terrible things happen and being helpless to stop them. How much worse would it be for a human who’d once had the power to make a difference, and had given it up to be normal?
“You should have been with them?” Bonnie asked.
“I didn’t see them leave. I should have walked them home. Made sure they were safe. I didn’t.”
“Oh.” Bonnie stared down at the cat in her lap. “Mick . . . is that your secret?”
It wasn’t the one he’d been thinking of, when he’d been trying to talk her off the roof -- and he hadn’t told her all of it -- but he’d never said a word about any of this to a human before, not even to Beth. If that wasn’t a secret, he didn’t know what was. “Yeah. It is.”
She nodded, her eyes still downcast. “I was wondering. That’s so hard. And I – I look like her? Like Chloe?”
“A lot like her.”
“Is your niece gonna be okay?”
“I really don’t know. She’s had a hard time. I hope so.”
“Me too.”
“Bonnie, I want you to be okay too.”
“I’m gonna try to be.”
“If you ever feel trapped again, remember, you can always get in touch with me. I’ll help you find a way out. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She suddenly looked exhausted, and Mick got up and gestured to the bed. “You know, it’s still the middle of the night. Why don’t you get some more sleep?”
“What about you?”
“I usually work nights. I’ll sleep later in the day.” In my freezer. It didn’t sound so bad at the moment, though. He was tired himself, and he actually wished that he could catch a couple of hours of freezer time. But he didn’t dare, not with Bonnie here. Even if he locked the door behind him, he wouldn’t feel safe. He went into his office instead, to check his email, but Elaine hadn’t sent anything. There was no reply to his text, either. Should he go by her house? But that would leave Bonnie alone in his apartment, not a good idea . . .
A faint tapping came at his window, and he closed his eyes in relief. It was Elaine. He spun around but she was already gone, moving upward. He hurried upstairs to the roof and found her already there, leaning on the parapet and looking out over the city. Mick moved to stand beside her.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
“It’s not your fault. I don’t know why it hit me like that. It’s not as if I haven’t seen pretty blond teenagers before.” She hesitated, then asked, “Is she anything like Chloe?”
“I don’t think she is. I think maybe she’s more like you.”
“Like me? How?”
Mick wasn’t about to say shy, sensitive, or occasionally suicidal. “She’s a computer wizard, apparently. She did something to switch IP addresses that even fooled Logan.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Thinking of Logan reminded Mick, uncomfortably, of Elaine’s laptop, the one that had belonged to Kevin. Logan was still stalling on the passwords, but he wasn’t going to be able to do that for much longer. And if seeing Bonnie was enough to send Elaine into a tailspin, what was going to happen when she saw the contents of that damned laptop? It’ll be okay. She’s stronger, getting stronger every day. I know she is. But he wasn’t really all that sure. Would he be able to catch Elaine, if she fell? He remembered the brief moment when he’d thought that Bonnie was going to go over the edge, and he shivered.
“You don’t look so good,” Elaine said, studying him. “Have you even slept since you turned back? I hope you’ve at least had some blood.”
“I’ve had plenty of blood,” Mick said. Josef had insisted, before they went after Beth, although Mick hadn’t wanted to take time even for that. “There hasn’t exactly been a chance for sleep.”
“Then go get some rest now.”
“I can’t. Not with Bonnie in the apartment.”
“Sure you can. I can stay and keep an eye on her.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Elaine, I can’t ask you to do that.”
She shrugged. “I know I freaked out before. But I’ve had time to think about it. And I think maybe it will help if I spend some time with her. So I can see all the ways she isn’t like Chloe.”
“You’re sure you want to do this?”
“Yes, I’m sure. So go get some sleep, okay?”
He looked at her for a moment, uncertain. But she really did want to do this. How could he tell her no?
“Okay,” he said at last.
Mick had to empty the freezer first, of course. He bagged the frozen food and took it out on the roof, and dropped the bag accurately into the back-alley dumpster. It was a waste, but the food would never keep till morning, and he needed the freezer now.
With the freezer clean and waiting, he took a shower, then self-consciously put on a robe to walk between the shower and the freezer room, even though Bonnie was asleep and Elaine was in his office, doing something on his computer. He didn’t take the robe off until he’d closed the door behind him. He contemplated the freezer for a moment before getting in, unable to prevent a negative comparison with his bed downstairs. But once he was in it, with the lid closed over him, it wasn’t so bad. In his current state, the icy temperature felt blissful, and the low monotonous hum of the freezer soothed him to sleep in no time at all.
His dreams were faint, but he did dream. Of Beth. He was in his freezer, asleep, and when he woke and opened his eyes, she was there. She was looking down at him through the frost-rimed lid, watching him, and the sight of him in a freezer didn’t seem to bother her at all. She was looking at him lovingly, with complete acceptance. Then she was lying beside him, naked but wrapped in a comforter, her arm circling his waist. He tried to protest, frightened for her – it was too cold for her, she’d freeze – but she shook her head and whispered, “Just for a moment.” It wouldn’t be safe for long, but the comforter was protecting her; she was warm enough, for now. He gave in, and held her close. Just for a moment . . .
When he woke it was almost noon, and he could only remember the faintest images from his dream. But Beth had been in it, he was sure. Beth, who would accept his secrets if only he’d share them with her. I think it’s past time I told her about the freezer.
-
This story is posted in two parts. The second part is in the same thread.
IN BETWEEN
thirteen and fourteen
My Vampire Heart
The night air was cold, and the rooftop suddenly looked desolate. Mick looked down at the blanket, the candles, the bottle of wine, Beth’s dishes. Beth was gone, even her scent blown away on the wind. Mick could still feel her startled reaction to his sudden, violent kiss: her body stiffening as she tried to fight his hold on her, then finally turning supple as she relaxed against him and began to return the kiss. That kiss – it had been pure desperation, on his part. I had to choose. To stop her and show her what I truly wanted, or watch her walk away. If he’d let her walk away, if he hadn’t caught her arm and pulled her back to him . . . would he have lost her forever? That was how it had felt.
And even though he had chosen, even though he’d tried to show her just how much he loved her, she’d only stared at him when he’d finally broken the kiss. Should he have gone on, as he’d wanted to? Pushed her back on that blanket under the sky, and pushed himself past all his fears? That would have convinced her that he was serious, that he truly meant to have – somehow - a real relationship with her. But he couldn’t have done it, not tonight. Not even if stopping meant that he’d lose her. This turning had been nothing like the last, and he almost had himself completely under control – but his control wasn’t as good as it had been before. Not quite. Kissing Beth, holding her tight as she struggled against him, he’d felt the vampire surge within him. Beth was right about one thing, at least. I’m afraid. Even in a week’s time, he’d started to get used to his human body. Being a vampire felt strange again. His senses were overwhelmed, and this was no time to push his control to its limits. He was unbalanced, unsettled. How could he sort things out in his mind now? He needed time.
Would Beth give it to him?
Mick jumped heavily down to the rooftop, walked to each candle in turn, and blew them all out. Don’t take too long, she’d said, when he’d told her he needed time to work things out. You may have forever, but I don’t. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain of those words deep in his soul. Why did she say that? He’d given up everything for her, she knew what being human had meant to him . . . why had she thrown his immortality back at him that way? Why had she walked away from him? He could still feel her hand pulling free of his, her warm grip suddenly gone, leaving him holding nothing. Leaving him alone.
The wind picked up, blowing across the rooftop, and he felt colder than ever. His senses must still be confused by the change . . . a vampire shouldn’t feel the cold like this. He went back inside. Beth had come this way, down the stairs. She’d picked up her bag and gone on, out the door. Had she even looked back? Inside, out of the wind, her scent was overwhelmingly strong. All smells were too intense again, though he was at least able to tell them apart. The smell of food was the strongest. There was food everywhere - the big basket of bread on the counter, the open bottles of wine, the candy in his jars - and it suddenly made him feel sick. I’ve got to get rid of it. All of it. I can’t bear to have it here. He headed blindly for the kitchen and nearly stumbled over the bed.
So soft, so warm, pillows and blankets and soothing comfort, blissful dreams of what could have happened here with Beth . . . Mick sat down on the bed, then lay on it, clutching the pillow tightly.
He hadn’t lied to Beth, not really. He didn’t regret giving up his mortal life to save hers. It terrified him to think how close she’d been to death, to being systematically drained for her rare blood. By vampires. How I hate what I am. If he’d been unconscious a little longer, if he’d been injured more severely, if he hadn’t gotten to her in time . . . no, don’t think of it. There had been a way to save her, and he had gotten there in time. That was all that mattered.
But God, oh God, how he missed being human.
Travis came around the corner, saw him on the bed, and stiffened, his ears laid flat against his head. The cat hissed, backed away, and then fled up the stairs. Mick watched as Travis disappeared. Yesterday, he had woken to find the cat curled contentedly on the blanket at his feet.
I wanted more time. Just a little more time. He thought of Beth, of the way he’d been able to look at her this week. I saw her in the sun, without dark glasses, without pain. That was over, now. He would never see her that way again. Nothing about his relationship with Beth would ever be that way again. And he was afraid. Beth had no idea how dangerous a human relationship with a vampire really could be. Vampires had been known to kill their human lovers, if they lost control. It didn’t happen often, but it happened. And the biting . . . Some women like that, Josef had said, but how could Mick know if Beth would? I’m not just afraid of losing her, or of hurting her. I’m afraid of rejection, too.
If only he could have made love to Beth while he was human. But he hadn’t even kissed her during that time. He’d wanted to kiss her on the beach, and maybe she’d wanted it too, but it had been too soon then. He was sure of that. And too late now. He glanced sideways at the kitchen table, remembering how he’d woken up there, with the taste of blood in his mouth. He’d woken with tears on his face, as if, even unconscious and near death, he’d known just what he was losing. He was in tears now, he was sobbing into the pillow like a child, and he couldn’t stop. The tears weren’t just for losing his humanity; they spilled over into Beth’s painful words, and from there into everything he’d ever lost – everyone who’d died while he’d gone on. His brother, his parents. Lilah and Ray. Tyler. Chloe.
Someone knocked softly on the door.
Mick looked up, in the sudden wild hope that Beth had come back. But it wasn’t her, and there was no one else in the world he wanted to see. All he could think of were the people he had lost. And Rose . . . oh God, Rose. He’d found her again, beyond hope - she’d been back in his life - but now that he’d turned back, could he ever see her again? He turned away from the door and lay back down, staring blankly at the far wall.
Another gentle tap came at the door, and Mick ignored it. It wasn’t Beth. It wasn’t a vampire either, so it couldn’t be Josef or Elaine. Why should he answer? The knock didn’t come again, and he was thankful for that. He couldn’t bear to face anyone, not now. But after a while, he started to wonder who it had been. He checked his watch, and was startled to see that it was almost one in the morning. He’d had no idea that it had gotten so late.
Why would a human come by so late? Maybe it had actually been important.
It was bothering him now. He got restlessly to his feet, went to the roof, and looked out. He didn’t see anything, but he could hear the faint sound of voices below, in the alley behind the building. He jumped, landed on a ledge five stories down, and listened again. A man’s drunken voice said, “Come on, you’ll have fun. Don’t be so mean. It isn’t nice to try to call the cops.” There was a clatter that sounded like a phone being thrown to the pavement.
A girl’s voice answered, small and scared. “Leave me alone. I’m not coming with you.”
Mick knew that voice. What was Bonnie Morrow doing here, and what kind of trouble had she landed in? He dropped the rest of the way to the ground, quickly circled the building, and strode into the alley. Two young men stood there, one with a hand on Bonnie’s arm. With one deft motion, Mick freed her arm and shoved the man aside.
“The lady said no,” he said calmly. “Get lost. Both of you.”
He sighed when one of the men pulled a knife, his friend echoing the movement with his own weapon. Bonnie gasped, backing away. Mick moved to keep her behind him, watching warily as a third man appeared and joined the others. The three weren’t just drunk, they were high, which made them far more dangerous. He could still take out three humans easily enough - none of them were likely to be packing silver - but he didn’t want to vamp out in front of Bonnie.
“Get inside,” he called back to her, but she was frozen. She didn’t move. An instant later the first man lunged toward Mick, his knife out. Mick feinted easily, knocked the knife from his hand, and threw him halfway across the alley. He’d hoped the other two would run, but they were too high to back down, soaring on a mix of alcohol and drugs.
“Mick, be careful!” Bonnie cried.
“I’ll be fine. Will you get inside?” If she wasn’t watching he could let himself go . . . the sight of his fangs alone would probably be enough to get rid of these two young punks. Of course, it might not be wise to let even drug-addled criminals witness his vampire state just now, since he'd just gotten clear of a police investigation. The Cleaners definitely wouldn’t approve, and anyway, Bonnie was still watching. Was she too scared to move? Too stubborn? Mick thought of Beth, grumbling about being told to wait in the car, and almost smiled. But he still wanted Bonnie safe inside.
The second man knew how to use a knife. Mick dodged under his thrust and hit the ground rolling, coming up behind him to bring him down. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of metal, the third man’s knife flying through the air, aimed not at him but at Bonnie. He leaped sideways, inhumanly fast, flinging out his hand to catch it. The knife hit his hand point first, slamming all the way through his palm. He grabbed the hilt and yanked it out, just as painfully as it had gone in. His hand bled fiercely for an instant, then healed, and the pain was gone. But his fury wasn’t. Bonnie was behind him now; Mick turned his gaze on the man who’d thrown the knife, letting him see the pale glow of his eyes, the tips of his fangs. This man had tried to hurt Bonnie . . . Mick’s eyes burned cold, and he heard his own low growl as he strode forward, hefting the gory knife. The first two men were already running away; the third, looking terrified, broke and ran after them. Mick followed, longing to chase them all down and kill them, to make them pay . . . he kept seeing Elaine, lying bleeding to death in another alley . . . but Bonnie was all alone back there, and he didn’t dare leave her unprotected. He let out a furious snarl, and slowed down. The three panicked men vanished from his sight, and soon he could no longer hear them. Had he scared them enough to stop them from attacking other women? He could only hope.
He stood still, fighting off the change, pushing back the vampire with all of his strength. It was much more difficult than it should have been. After fighting for Beth, he’d had the same problem: his body wasn't used to having to deal with this. He concentrated hard, trying to remember how it had felt before, and his face finally settled into human form. He glanced down at his right hand, where the knife had hit, and swore when he saw that his hand was covered with blood. He couldn’t let Bonnie see that. He hastily wiped the blood off on the back of his shirt, and arranged his coat to cover the bloodstains. As he worked, he heard Bonnie’s footsteps in the alley far behind him, heard her stop and pick something up off the ground. She’d found her phone - damn, she was going to call for help. He was back at her side in an instant, reaching out to stop her.
“It’s okay, they’ve gone,” he said. “You don’t need to call the cops.”
“No, we need an ambulance,” she gasped, trying to pull her phone back from him. “Your hand, oh my God . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“You can’t be! I saw the knife go in! And – and -- ”
Mick held out both of his hands to her, hoping he’d really gotten all the blood off. She stared at his hands for a long time, then looked up at his face, her eyes clouded with the memory of what she thought she’d seen. “I saw the knife hit you,” she said faintly. “I was sure I did.”
“I was lucky. I caught it by the hilt. Bonnie, are you all right?”
“How could you -- ” She shivered, looking lost.
“Bonnie?”
“I was so scared,” she whispered. “I thought they were going to kill me. Then I thought they were going to kill you.”
“It’s all okay now. Come on. Let’s get inside.”
Bonnie trailed after him, her gaze still fixed on his right hand as the elevator ascended. Mick keyed open the apartment door, motioned Bonnie in, and locked the door behind him. As soon as they were in the well-lit apartment, Bonnie stopped him and grasped his hands, carefully examining the right one. Her own hands were trembling, and her face was very pale. “Oh God, I am crazy,” she said. “I saw the knife go through your hand! I saw your blood! Ellen’s right, I should be locked up . . .”
“Bonnie, no. Sit down. Come on, right here.” He guided her to the couch, sat her down, and got a blanket from the bed to drape over her. What a nightmare . . . he couldn’t let her know he’d been hit, but he couldn’t let her think she was crazy, either. He knelt in front of her, steadying her hands in his, looking into her eyes. It was disconcerting how much she made him think of Chloe. Bonnie looked like Chloe; that was why he’d noticed her to start with. But she was really a lot more like Elaine. She bowed her head, avoiding Mick’s gaze, her hair falling over her face. “Bonnie, look at me,” Mick said gently. “Look at me, okay?” Finally, reluctantly, she did so. “You aren’t crazy,” he said firmly. “It was dark, and that knife ought to have hit me. It probably looked like it did. Your eyes just played tricks on you. Happens all the time, when you’re scared, and you had good reason to be scared. Don’t you think for a minute that it means you’re crazy.”
“But I am,” Bonnie sobbed. “Ellen said I was and it’s true. I tried to kill myself, didn’t I? How crazy is that?”
“That depends on how much pain you’re in,” Mick said quietly. What in the world was wrong with Ellen, telling a kid a thing like that? “It might not be crazy at all.” God knew he’d tried to end his own life, during those first few months of uncontrollable bloodlust. He’d only survived because he hadn’t ever stumbled across a method that would work on a vampire.
“What?” Bonnie was startled out of her misery.
“I’m not saying it was the right thing to do. But I do understand why you did it.”
Bonnie rubbed her eyes and looked at Mick searchingly. “Have you ever – done anything like that?”
Mick nodded. “A long time ago.”
“Then – did somebody stop you? Like you did me?”
“Kind of.” Coraline had stopped him, he supposed, by never letting him get a hint of what really would kill a vampire.
“Oh.” Bonnie was silent for a moment. “Why did you do it? Was it because of your secret?”
“Yeah, it was.” And in another second she’d ask the question he couldn’t answer . . . he straightened quickly and headed for the kitchen. “You’re still shivering,” he said over his shoulder. “You need something hot. Tea or coffee?”
“Coffee, I guess,” Bonnie said hesitantly.
She was still watching him, obviously wanting to ask him more. He kept his back to her, busying himself with the coffee, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Travis had come down the stairs and was peering at Bonnie from behind the bottom step. Go on, cat. Distract her. Mick pretended not to see him there, and after a moment Travis crept out from under the stairs, making his way toward Bonnie. She saw him, and her tense face suddenly relaxed. “Oh, you have a cat!” she said. “What’s his name? Or – is he a boy?”
“He’s a boy. His name’s Travis. But he’s not mine.”
“He isn’t?”
“He belonged to Maureen. I was going to keep him, but he doesn’t really like me. I’ve got to find him another home.”
“Oh. Poor kitty.” She patted her lap invitingly. “Come on, Travis. Come say hello?” With a wary glance at Mick, Travis approached Bonnie and rubbed against her legs. She picked him up and put him in her lap, and he curled up there, purring. Mick felt a sharp, irrational pang of envy, but holding the cat steadied Bonnie; her heart rate slowed as she petted him, and she grew visibly calmer.
“I always wanted a cat,” she said. “Dad’s allergic, though.”
“He likes you.” Mick tried not to think of Beth, putting the cat in his own lap, of her amused voice saying I think he likes you.
“He’s nice.” Bonnie swallowed. “About Maureen . . . I was wondering. About my father. You must have thought that he was . . . involved.”
“Maureen was investigating a lot of different stories,” Mick said. “We had to look into all of them. But your father didn’t have anything to do with her death.”
“Oh.” Bonnie stared down at Travis. “Are you sure? You’re not just saying that?”
“I’m sure. He did some things that were very wrong, but that wasn’t one of them.” Mick poured a cup of coffee for her, taking in its scent. It was still coffee, still recognizable . . . why didn’t it smell the same? There was no appeal to it at all. Not now. “You want cream or sugar?”
“Both. Thanks.”
Mick added cream and sugar and cautiously carried the cup to Bonnie, not wanting to scare Travis. No luck there; the cat launched himself off Bonnie’s lap and disappeared again. With a sigh Mick handed Bonnie the cup, and she wrapped her hands around it, warming them, before lifting it to her mouth to take a sip. He settled down on one of the chairs, facing her.
“Thanks,” Bonnie said softly. “I’m sorry I’m so much trouble. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“How did you find me, anyway? We never even got introduced.”
“I overheard you talking to my dad, after his speech. You told him your name, and you said you were a private investigator. I went online to look up your business, but I ended up having to check the Yellow Pages. Why aren’t you on Facebook?”
Mick rubbed his hand across his face, confused. “Wait a second, I -- ”
“I heard Ellen on the phone tonight,” Bonnie burst out, interrupting him. “She was saying how afraid she was that I was going to do it again. And that scared me so much. How do I know I won’t do it again? How do you go on, after trying something like that? I can’t even believe I did it. It was so stupid. I just felt so trapped, like there wasn’t any way out.”
Trapped. That was a good way to describe it. He remembered what it had felt like as a new turn, being trapped in the body of a vampire, with no way out. But Bonnie had been trapped by her father’s lies, and she was free of them now, even if she didn’t realize it.
“What I learned, afterward, is that there’s always a way out,” Mick said. “Maybe you can’t change the way things are, but you can change the way you look at them. The way you deal with them.”
“Everything’s going to change. I’m supposed to go stay with my grandparents in Seattle - I have a flight out there tomorrow afternoon.”
“Do you like your grandparents?”
“Sure, they’re okay. It’ll be weird to leave L.A. But at least there, maybe they won’t know about my dad being in jail. That’s a benefit, I guess.” She looked up at him. “Do you really mean that? That there’s always a way out?”
“I really do. It can be hard to see, and sometimes you need help finding it, but it’s there.” It was Josef who had given Mick the way out, showing him how to live as a vampire without killing. Coraline had never let him know about freshies, but they’d been there all along.
Bonnie sighed. “My grandparents will probably make me go see a shrink.”
“Well, you are an L.A. girl. I mean, didn’t you know? Everyone from here is supposed to have a shrink.”
That made her laugh, and she relaxed, seeming to accept what he’d told her. He really did think she’d be okay. She’d been afraid of dying tonight, in the alley; she hadn’t shown any of the scary apathy she’d exhibited up on the roof. It felt as if she’d already gotten past the worst of it. But in spite of his own experiences, and in spite of Elaine, he was hardly an expert. He didn’t know anything, really, about what would drive a normal human to suicide. But if Bonnie could laugh about having a shrink, maybe she’d be open to going to see one. She’d been through a lot, and she could use some help. The most important thing, though, was to keep Bonnie away from Ellen, who had undermined her confidence so badly.
Well, there was no reason why Bonnie couldn’t stay here tonight, and he could take her to the airport tomorrow and put her safely on the plane to Seattle. When he told her that, she looked relieved. She didn’t even protest when he suggested that she send a text to Ellen, just to let the woman know she was safe. An hour later Bonnie was sound asleep, curled up in Mick’s bed with Travis beside her.
Mick sat halfway up the staircase, watching Bonnie sleep, and thought about the freezer upstairs. It was far too early for a vampire to sleep, even if he could bear to get back into his freezer. He got up and went to his office instead, and settled down behind the desk, glancing at his watch. Only 3 am -- it was going to be a long night. Needing something to do, Mick turned on his computer and pulled up his case file on Gregory Foster. He took the paper folder out of his desk drawer, opened it, and looked at the boy’s photograph. So much had happened of late, he could scarcely remember the last time he’d even thought of this case. It hadn’t been that long, really, but so much had happened. Coraline. The nightmare in New York. Kevin’s death, and Josh’s. A week of humanity.
Gregory Foster’s picture looked different, somehow. Familiar. Mick stared at it for a long time. He’d never bothered to run it through his aging software, since the program couldn’t begin to be accurate all the way out to the age of 65. But now he loaded the picture into his program and let it assemble an image of Gregory Foster at age thirteen. His breath caught when he saw the result. Could this really be who he thought it was? Mick adjusted the settings, lengthening the boy’s hair so that it fell into his eyes. The resemblance was uncanny, but how could he be certain? His memory of that time was so hazy, so blurred.
Elaine will know for sure.
He emailed her the altered picture, and got an almost instant response. She must be at home now, working at her computer . . . he opened her reply and read it. Sure, that’s Thomas. What’s going on? Is everything okay? Still having a blast being human? E.
Mick blinked at the unexpected pain of her last question. God. He’d almost forgotten, just for the moment, what he’d lost.
And Elaine didn’t know. He needed to tell her.
Everything’s fine. But it’s over now; I’ve turned back. Like they say, life is short. M.
He’d said the same thing to Beth, trying to make light of it. Why was he still trying to pretend it didn’t matter? But he hadn’t the heart to try to come up with different words. Quickly he pressed send, then shut down the computer and got up. The room suddenly seemed stifling; he left the office and went upstairs to the roof. He jumped to the parapet, taking deep gulping breaths of the night air. It was perfectly safe, now, for him to stand at the very edge of a roof and look down. Mick tried to remember standing like this as a human . . . the fear, the exhilaration . . . but it was already fading. No, please. Let me at least remember what it was like.
He heard movement below him, on the opposite wall, and he spun and leaped down, his hand going to his pocket to grip the stake he kept there. But the vampire who joined him on the roof, a moment later, was Elaine. Mick stared at her in astonishment and let go of the stake.
“You’re climbing buildings now?” he asked, hardly able to believe what she’d done. “You always told me that was what elevators were for.”
“It is. But I was in a hurry.” Elaine’s gaze strayed away from him, taking in the blanket, the remains of the meal, the blown-out candles. She swallowed, pushing tangled hair back from her face, and said, “Mick – I’m sorry. I really am. I never thought it would only last a week. It doesn’t seem fair.”
He tried to shrug it off. “That’s just the way things are. Life isn’t fair.”
“Don’t, Mick.” There was pain in her voice, in her eyes. “Don’t try to tell me you don’t care.”
Mick met her gaze for a moment, then looked away and sat down with his back to the parapet, pulling his coat around him. Elaine hesitantly sat down beside him.
“Why did it wear off so fast?” she asked. “Do you know?”
“It didn’t wear off. I asked Josef to turn me back.”
“What? But – but why?”
“Beth,” he whispered. “She’s safe now. But yesterday, she was kidnapped – right in front of me. By vampires. I couldn’t stop them as a human, I couldn’t fight them. I couldn’t protect her.”
“But you could have gotten help! I don’t know how to fight, but Josef does. And he has people who work for him. He could have gone after Beth, couldn’t he?”
“He did go after her. He came with me. There were three of them – it took both of us to get through to Beth.” He sighed. “And yeah, I could have asked Josef to get some guys together, instead of going in myself. I thought about that, for about half a second. It might even have worked. But Josef’s people wouldn’t have cared about Beth. At all. And even Josef wouldn’t have cared enough. It had to be me.”
He thought bleakly of the way he’d originally planned to go in, as a human. It hadn’t seemed so outlandish at the time. He had the knowledge, he had the weapons, he was ready to fight. He’d been taken by surprise before, by Anders, but now he knew what he’d be facing. Why shouldn’t he be able to rescue Beth as he was? He’d had no concept of what vampire strength and speed looked like from a human viewpoint. As a vampire, it felt perfectly ordinary. As a human, on the receiving end, it was like being struck by lightning. Thank God Josef had confronted him, had stopped him. Otherwise Mick would have gotten himself killed, and Beth would probably be dead now too. Or she’d still be a captive, waiting to die.
“What a nightmare,” Elaine muttered. “Why did they take her?”
“She has a rare blood type.”
Elaine flinched. She knew what that meant. “Oh. But – she’s okay? They didn’t do anything to her?”
“No. We got there in time.” Mick wasn’t sure exactly what they’d planned for her, though his imagination filled in possibilities all too well. And he wasn’t at all sure why they’d taken Ben Talbot as well, while leaving Mick himself behind. Did Talbot also have a rare blood type? It didn’t seem likely. Why else would they have wanted Talbot? There was no chance of finding out now. Cleaners had no tolerance of vampires who harvested human blood in such a way - such practices endangered the community. Anders, and the other vampire Mick had staked, would certainly have been executed by now.
They didn’t hurt Beth. Not physically, anyway. Neither had Coraline, when Beth was a child. But Mick knew just how much that long-ago kidnapping had traumatized Beth. It must have been absolute horror for her, to be bound and helpless in the hands of another vampire. How much had it brought back the terror she’d felt as a child?
Yet when Mick had come to her, she’d thought only of him. Her look of shock, her hand touching his changed face, her only question: what happened? As he’d lifted her to her feet, putting an arm around her waist to steady her, she’d laid her hand over his, reaching out to him with gentle comfort. She hadn’t been able to speak of it, with Talbot there, but he’d felt her sorrow for him. He’d seen it in her eyes.
She does care. I know she does. She knows what I gave up for her, and what it meant to me.
So why did she walk away?
The call had come two hours after midnight. Mick knew how troubled Beth had been lately, so he wasn’t totally surprised to hear her mother’s voice on the phone, ten and a half years after the last time he’d spoken to her.
“Is this Mr. St. John? Oh, thank God. This is Kate Turner. I’m calling about my daughter Beth. I don’t know if you remember her . . .”
As if I could ever forget. “I remember Beth, Mrs. Turner. What’s happened?”
“She’s disappeared. I mean – it’s not like before, I’m sure she left on her own – but she’s been so upset lately, I’m afraid of what she might do. She only just turned fifteen, and she’s out there all alone in the middle of the night, and I’m scared.”
“I can come right over, Mrs. Turner. I’ll see what I can do. Are you still at the same address?” He knew perfectly well that she was.
“Yes, the same.” She recited the address for him; he didn’t write it down.
“I’m on my way.”
They were living in the same place, but he wasn’t. Mick had taken a new apartment years ago, in order to be closer to Beth. He could be at the house in under five minutes, but he had some maintenance to do first. Kate Turner might be too distressed to notice his lack of aging, but he could hardly count on that. It had been almost eleven years . . . a different overall look would help. It took only moments for him to cut his hair short, touch it with silver at the temples, and add a few lines to his face. Less than half an hour after he’d gotten the call, he was pulling the Mercedes to the curb in front of Beth’s house.
Beth still had the same upstairs room, but it was a teenager’s room now, with only a few remnants left of the child she had been. Posters of bands and actors now adorned the walls, replacing the pictures Mick remembered, but a few of her old stuffed animals still rested on her bed. Mick picked up a battered plush duck and held it for a moment before putting it back down.
“She’s been seeing this boy,” Mrs. Turner said. “An older boy – really much too old for her. Ever since she met him she’s been in trouble. Drinking, coming in late, maybe even drugs, though I haven’t caught her with them. I’ve forbidden her to see him, I’ve grounded her . . . but I swear, everything I’ve said and done has just made her more determined to be with him.”
“Sounds like Beth’s still pretty stubborn,” Mick said, giving her mother a faint smile. It was true that Beth had been in trouble ever since she’d met David Wallace. But Mick didn’t think her behavior was all because of the boy. He suspected it had a lot more to do with her parents’ divorce, which had happened years ago but was still resonating through the girl’s life.
Mrs. Turner sighed. “That’s putting it mildly.”
Beth had seen David much more frequently – and more intimately – than her mother knew. Mick had been torn about whether or not to interfere, but in the end, he’d backed away, letting events play out as they would. This was Beth’s life, Beth’s choice. She was safe enough with the boy; he would never hurt her physically. Mick was watching over Beth to protect her from harm, not from life. And it was a little hard for him to disapprove of a mere three-year age difference.
But tonight – it was strange that Beth had vanished this way. She did frequently come home later than she should, but she wasn’t in the habit of slipping out of the house in the middle of the night.
“Was Beth upset about anything in particular today?” he asked.
“Yes, very upset. Something happened today, but I don’t know what. She wouldn’t tell me. You know how it is.”
“Yeah. She’s a teenager.” Mick found himself thinking of Elaine. Last week he’d tried, again, to find out why she was so angry with Josef, but she’d closed herself off and had refused to talk about it. Teenagers. Beth, at least, would grow out of the stage in a few years. And then what? What would happen when Beth’s age began to come close to his own? His own feelings were already in so much turmoil, now that she was growing up. His pure love and care for Beth would never change, not even when she grew old, but --
“Do you have any idea where she might have gone?” Mrs. Turner asked anxiously.
“Out the window,” he said. “I’ll go after her.”
He climbed out the window and down to the yard the same way Beth had, careful to act human while Beth’s mother was watching him. Then he slipped silently into the shadows of the night, and moved faster. It was easy to track Beth; she had walked all the way to her destination, and he would know her scent anywhere. He found her at last not far from David's house, in a little park full of kids’ play equipment: a swingset, a teeter-totter, a slide. She was standing near the slide, looking up at a tall handsome boy. The boy was looking away from her, not meeting her gaze.
“I told you already,” the boy said. He was more than a little drunk, and his voice was slurred. “What else do you need to know? I’m breaking it off. That’s all there is to it.”
“But why?”
“Come on, Beth. It was just a fling. You know that, right? You and me, we couldn’t ever really be together.”
“And just why is that?” Beth asked woodenly.
“Look, Beth. I’m gonna be in college. You’re still in middle school. It’s, like, different worlds.”
“You didn’t think like that before your birthday.”
“Well, I think like that now. Things are different now.”
“You’re scared,” Beth said contemptuously. “You’re scared of getting in trouble, now that you’re eighteen.”
The boy’s mouth tightened, but he didn’t answer that. He turned his back on her and walked away, leaving her all alone in the dark night.
“But you said you loved me,” Beth said forlornly.
She stood still for a long time. Finally she set off in the opposite direction, drifting from side to side and stumbling, though she hadn’t been drinking at all tonight. She was simply in shock. Mick moved silently from house to house, following her closely. A pretty fifteen-year-old blonde, stumbling along a sidewalk after midnight, was nothing if not a target. How could that idiot boy just leave her alone out here?
Beth stopped suddenly, and spun around. Mick froze in the shadows. Beth called out, “Who’s there?”
He kept silent, and stopped breathing.
“I know you’re there. Stop hiding! Let me see you!”
She spun around again, and finally fell to her knees. “You’re not real after all, are you? I imagined you all this time. If I really had a guardian angel, this would never have happened to me.” She put her head in her hands, crying, and Mick’s heart ached for her. He longed to go to her, to put his arms around her and hold her the way she’d held him when she was little. She needed comfort so badly. You do have a guardian angel, Beth. You do. But there are some things I can’t protect you from . . . .
“Mick?” It was Elaine, still sitting beside him, looking doubtful. “Beth really is okay, right?”
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I don’t think they did anything to her. But still . . .”
“She must have been so frightened,” Elaine said.
“Yeah.” And she’d been so alone. Her guardian angel had become a mere mortal, unable to do anything at all to protect her. She’d seen it happen, when Mick was overpowered and knocked out. She couldn’t have known, then, if he was even still alive.
“Are things okay between you?”
Mick shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“What happened tonight?” Elaine asked.
“I told her I needed time to figure things out. Now that I’ve changed back, everything’s different – it’s harder, more dangerous. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that. She told me not to take too long. And she just walked away.”
And maybe I know why. Mick hadn’t thought of that night in ‘94 for a long time, hadn’t remembered David’s words, the words that had hurt Beth so deeply. Things are different now, David had said. The boy had backed away from a relationship with Beth because he was frightened of what the consequences might be. Mick closed his eyes, hearing Beth’s words in his mind: maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt. What memories had come back to life tonight, in Beth’s mind?
“Mick, she really doesn’t understand how it’s different,” Elaine said quietly. “It matters the world to you, whether you’re vampire or human – but it doesn’t matter to her. All she sees is you. Whatever you are.” She rubbed at her eyes, blinking back sudden tears. “Which is a miracle, and you don’t even see it, do you? You’re both blind. God, you were made for each other.”
“I do see it,” Mick said, strained. “It means everything to me, that she doesn’t care. But that doesn’t change the facts. Things are different now. It’s dangerous for a human to be with a vampire, and she needs to know that.”
“Yeah? Well, all relationships are dangerous, as far as I can see. At least you can’t give Beth some awful disease that’ll end up killing her. And come on, Mick . . .” her voice softened, as if in memory. “You could never hurt her.”
Mick looked at her, startled and curious. He wanted to ask what it had been like for her and Kevin, but he didn’t dare – she was already in tears. And maybe he didn’t need to ask. Strange to think that on this issue, she had far more experience than he did, and she’d described the first week of her marriage as being heavenly. There was no doubt that that week had been an intimate one for her and Kevin. But nothing had gone wrong until she’d told Kevin what she was. Nothing at all. And Beth already knows what I am.
“You really believe that?” Mick managed to ask.
“Yes. I do.” Elaine rubbed at her eyes again, and looked up at the night sky. “And I sure as hell hope you’re going to do something about it. So. Are you planning on telling me why you sent me a picture of Thomas?”
It was an explicitly clear change of subject. Mick said, “I need to show you, actually. Down in my office.”
“Okay.”
“But I should tell you, I’ve got company.”
Elaine raised her brows. “I thought you said Beth walked out on you tonight.”
“Not Beth. Just a kid in trouble, who needed a place to sleep tonight.” He was careful not to give her any more information – maybe Elaine wouldn’t look too closely. He didn’t really want Elaine to know just how much Bonnie resembled Chloe.
“Didn’t know you took in strays,” Elaine said dubiously, but she followed him into the apartment. Bonnie was sleeping face down, fortunately, and Travis was still curled at her feet. Elaine’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything until they were in the office with the door shut. The office was fairly soundproof; inside, there was no need to modify their voices.
“A teenage girl and a cat?” Elaine said in bewilderment.
“The girl needed some help.”
“And the cat?”
Mick sighed. “His owner was murdered. Since I was human, I took him home with me. But I’ll have to find him another home now.” He thought of Esme and her dog. How in the world had she managed to overcome the dog’s natural fear? Obviously it was possible, but he didn’t think he was going to achieve it with Travis.
“I used to like cats,” Elaine said wistfully.
“Did you ever have one?”
“No. But Chloe did.”
“Oh.” This wasn’t a good time for Elaine to be thinking of Chloe. Mick grabbed the file folder from his desk and opened it, laying it out in front of Elaine. The photograph of Gregory Foster, age six, rested on top. “This is the case I told you about, a while back,” he said. “The boy who disappeared in 1950.”
“The one Logan was helping you with?”
“Right. Here, have a look.” Settling in front of the computer, Mick ran the boy’s photograph through the aging software again. When it was finished, Elaine stood staring at the image. Gregory Foster, age thirteen. “Thomas,” she whispered.
“Yeah. Thomas looked familiar to me the whole time, but I couldn’t figure it out. And I was pretty muddled, so I thought I must have been imagining it. But then I looked at Gregory Foster’s picture again.”
“Wow.” Elaine sat down abruptly on the edge of his desk. “What do you think happened?”
“From everything else I found out, I think he ran away from home when he was six. I’m not sure how long he might have been on the streets – not very long, I think. And then -- ”
“And then he got attacked by vampires,” Elaine said, “and Marguerite rescued him, and took him home with her.”
Mick nodded. “It’s just so strange for a vampire to adopt a human kid. Especially a Cleaner.”
“Maybe not so strange,” Elaine said. “I heard that Marguerite had a little boy, just about that age, when she was human. She had to give him up when she was turned. And by the time she was safe, it was too late. He had another life by then. So when Thomas came along . . .”
“You’re right. Maybe not so strange.” That explained why Marguerite had tried to help Asha, too. What would it be like, to lose a child when you were turned? It had been hard enough to lose a sister. What was he going to do about Rose? He was a vampire again, forever, and he truly didn’t know if he could face her this way. But how can I bear to lose her all over again?
A light tap came at the office door, and Mick looked up, startled. “Mick?” Bonnie’s voice, from the other side of the door, was soft and hesitant. “There’s a light on . . . are you there? Can I talk to you?”
Mick glanced sideways at Elaine. He didn’t want her to come face to face with his visitor, but she looked interested and curious. How could he possibly explain why he wanted to keep Bonnie away from her? He’d have to take the chance, and see what happened. “Sure, Bonnie,” he said. “Come on in.”
The door opened and Bonnie took a step forward, but stopped abruptly halfway through the door.
“Oh,” she said, seeing Elaine beside him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. I just thought -- ”
Bonnie glanced uncertainly at Elaine, then back to Mick. Elaine, in turn, was staring at Bonnie openly, and she seemed to have forgotten to breathe.
“Sorry,” Bonnie said again, stepping back. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“I was just on my way out,” Elaine said. Her voice was strained. “Thanks for – for letting me know about that, Mick. I have to go now.” She didn’t look at him. When she reached the office door, Bonnie hastily moved aside to let her pass.
“Elaine!” Mick called out. “Elaine, wait!”
Elaine didn’t slow down. She hurried past the stairs, pushed open the apartment door, and disappeared into the hall. Mick started after her.
“Mick, what’s wrong?” Bonnie asked in bewilderment.
“Nothing. Just wait here, okay? I’ll be right back.”
He rushed out to the hall, but the elevator was already on its way down. Should he go after her? Obviously Elaine wanted to be alone, but he wasn’t sure she ought to be. Quickly he ran down the stairs to the lobby, opened the glass door, and looked out. There was no sign of Elaine. Maybe he really should just let her go – chasing after her would only make her run faster. He pulled out his phone instead, to send her a text. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just coincidence. Please get back in touch. Please. M.
Depressed, he rode the elevator back to the penthouse level, and went back into his apartment. Bonnie was waiting for him, sitting on the end of the couch with a blanket wrapped around her, holding Travis. At least she hadn’t disappeared, though she was looking at him nervously. Mick sat down heavily in the chair opposite her. For a wonder, Travis didn’t bolt at the sight of him this time. It was strangely reassuring.
“Who was that girl?” Bonnie asked. “What was she so upset about?”
“Her name’s Elaine,” Mick said. How should he explain her to Bonnie? He simply didn’t look old enough to be Elaine’s father; in the past, they’d occasionally pretended to be uncle and niece. He might as well fall back on that. “My niece,” he said. “She’s a night owl, like me. She just came by to visit.”
“Oh,” Bonnie said. “But why did she leave that way? It seemed like she was upset with me.”
“She wasn’t.” Mick wondered what to tell her. Maybe I should tell her the truth. Or at least as much of it as I can. “It’s just that you remind her of someone. She used to have a friend, a girl she was incredibly close to. You look a lot like her. I think it brought back some memories.”
“What happened to her friend?”
“She died.”
“Oh.” Bonnie swallowed, and held Travis tighter. “How did she die?”
“She was attacked in a back alley, by a man with a knife. Elaine and Chloe were together that night. Elaine survived. Chloe didn’t.” And Mick, of course, hadn’t been there. Why didn’t I notice when Elaine and Chloe left the club? If I’d been with them . . . if I’d walked them to their motel . . .
Bonnie was staring at him. “Are you serious? Just like – like what almost happened to me?”
“Yes.” Chloe hadn’t died from a knife wound, of course, but the similarities were still chilling. “I wasn’t with them. I should have been.” He felt cold, thinking about this night. What if he hadn’t gone out to the roof to look? Bonnie would have been all alone out there. And worse . . . What if I’d still been human? Could he have kept Bonnie from being harmed? He might have been able to hold his own against the three punks, and he would have been carrying a gun, but there was no way in hell he could have caught that knife.
Mick had been carrying a gun during the meeting at Anders’ office, but it had been no use at all against a vampire. Anders was on him before he could fire, knocking the gun from his hand, grabbing him in a grip of iron and flinging him into the air. As he fell, Mick caught a glimpse of Beth – she’d fallen to the floor and was crying out in pain – and then he smashed into a glass table, his momentum carrying him through it to the floor. His head struck something, hard, and the world went black around him. He woke, later, face down in a pile of broken glass, his head resting against his arm, and when he managed to lift his head enough to scan the room, Beth was gone.
He was alone. Talbot was gone too, and so was Anders. Mick tried to push himself up, and excruciating pain shot through his left leg. He rolled onto his side, to ease the pain, and finally managed to sit up. He looked down at his leg, at the jagged piece of broken glass buried deep in his thigh. There was a pool of clotted blood on the floor where he’d been lying, and dark blood was soaked into the fabric of his jeans. Agonized, he looked toward the spot where he’d last seen Beth, and then crawled to it. He found no blood there, thank God. But there was no scent either, no sign, no clue. Nothing at all that a human could detect.
If I’d been a vampire while we were in Anders’ office, Beth would never have been taken. I could have protected her. I would have known what Anders was when we first walked in. It was only by chance, and by luck, that Beth had still been alive when Mick had found her. He could just as easily have awakened on that glass-strewn floor to find her already dead.
It would be hard enough as an ordinary human, seeing terrible things happen and being helpless to stop them. How much worse would it be for a human who’d once had the power to make a difference, and had given it up to be normal?
“You should have been with them?” Bonnie asked.
“I didn’t see them leave. I should have walked them home. Made sure they were safe. I didn’t.”
“Oh.” Bonnie stared down at the cat in her lap. “Mick . . . is that your secret?”
It wasn’t the one he’d been thinking of, when he’d been trying to talk her off the roof -- and he hadn’t told her all of it -- but he’d never said a word about any of this to a human before, not even to Beth. If that wasn’t a secret, he didn’t know what was. “Yeah. It is.”
She nodded, her eyes still downcast. “I was wondering. That’s so hard. And I – I look like her? Like Chloe?”
“A lot like her.”
“Is your niece gonna be okay?”
“I really don’t know. She’s had a hard time. I hope so.”
“Me too.”
“Bonnie, I want you to be okay too.”
“I’m gonna try to be.”
“If you ever feel trapped again, remember, you can always get in touch with me. I’ll help you find a way out. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She suddenly looked exhausted, and Mick got up and gestured to the bed. “You know, it’s still the middle of the night. Why don’t you get some more sleep?”
“What about you?”
“I usually work nights. I’ll sleep later in the day.” In my freezer. It didn’t sound so bad at the moment, though. He was tired himself, and he actually wished that he could catch a couple of hours of freezer time. But he didn’t dare, not with Bonnie here. Even if he locked the door behind him, he wouldn’t feel safe. He went into his office instead, to check his email, but Elaine hadn’t sent anything. There was no reply to his text, either. Should he go by her house? But that would leave Bonnie alone in his apartment, not a good idea . . .
A faint tapping came at his window, and he closed his eyes in relief. It was Elaine. He spun around but she was already gone, moving upward. He hurried upstairs to the roof and found her already there, leaning on the parapet and looking out over the city. Mick moved to stand beside her.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
“It’s not your fault. I don’t know why it hit me like that. It’s not as if I haven’t seen pretty blond teenagers before.” She hesitated, then asked, “Is she anything like Chloe?”
“I don’t think she is. I think maybe she’s more like you.”
“Like me? How?”
Mick wasn’t about to say shy, sensitive, or occasionally suicidal. “She’s a computer wizard, apparently. She did something to switch IP addresses that even fooled Logan.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Thinking of Logan reminded Mick, uncomfortably, of Elaine’s laptop, the one that had belonged to Kevin. Logan was still stalling on the passwords, but he wasn’t going to be able to do that for much longer. And if seeing Bonnie was enough to send Elaine into a tailspin, what was going to happen when she saw the contents of that damned laptop? It’ll be okay. She’s stronger, getting stronger every day. I know she is. But he wasn’t really all that sure. Would he be able to catch Elaine, if she fell? He remembered the brief moment when he’d thought that Bonnie was going to go over the edge, and he shivered.
“You don’t look so good,” Elaine said, studying him. “Have you even slept since you turned back? I hope you’ve at least had some blood.”
“I’ve had plenty of blood,” Mick said. Josef had insisted, before they went after Beth, although Mick hadn’t wanted to take time even for that. “There hasn’t exactly been a chance for sleep.”
“Then go get some rest now.”
“I can’t. Not with Bonnie in the apartment.”
“Sure you can. I can stay and keep an eye on her.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Elaine, I can’t ask you to do that.”
She shrugged. “I know I freaked out before. But I’ve had time to think about it. And I think maybe it will help if I spend some time with her. So I can see all the ways she isn’t like Chloe.”
“You’re sure you want to do this?”
“Yes, I’m sure. So go get some sleep, okay?”
He looked at her for a moment, uncertain. But she really did want to do this. How could he tell her no?
“Okay,” he said at last.
Mick had to empty the freezer first, of course. He bagged the frozen food and took it out on the roof, and dropped the bag accurately into the back-alley dumpster. It was a waste, but the food would never keep till morning, and he needed the freezer now.
With the freezer clean and waiting, he took a shower, then self-consciously put on a robe to walk between the shower and the freezer room, even though Bonnie was asleep and Elaine was in his office, doing something on his computer. He didn’t take the robe off until he’d closed the door behind him. He contemplated the freezer for a moment before getting in, unable to prevent a negative comparison with his bed downstairs. But once he was in it, with the lid closed over him, it wasn’t so bad. In his current state, the icy temperature felt blissful, and the low monotonous hum of the freezer soothed him to sleep in no time at all.
His dreams were faint, but he did dream. Of Beth. He was in his freezer, asleep, and when he woke and opened his eyes, she was there. She was looking down at him through the frost-rimed lid, watching him, and the sight of him in a freezer didn’t seem to bother her at all. She was looking at him lovingly, with complete acceptance. Then she was lying beside him, naked but wrapped in a comforter, her arm circling his waist. He tried to protest, frightened for her – it was too cold for her, she’d freeze – but she shook her head and whispered, “Just for a moment.” It wouldn’t be safe for long, but the comforter was protecting her; she was warm enough, for now. He gave in, and held her close. Just for a moment . . .
When he woke it was almost noon, and he could only remember the faintest images from his dream. But Beth had been in it, he was sure. Beth, who would accept his secrets if only he’d share them with her. I think it’s past time I told her about the freezer.
-
My Sire
) and to react to the return of the vampire senses and sensibilities. And I adore how uou've included Travis as part of that... both more homage to Esme and, as this whole wonderful series has been, more consistency than the show showed. Transitions are a bitch. His thought, "I wanted more time. Just a little more time." 
Yeah, us too Mick, us too.
, I LOVE his struggle, after the alley struggle and again at the end with Beth, to wrest that supreme control of the vamp back. So Mick.
I'm on my phone and don't have the ability to comment fully here... maybe it says something about how much I love this story that I read it on a phone... 
The scenes of him clearing out the food and the other human things from his week... oh, his pain was so palpable.
