Insomnia (Beth, Champagne Challenge #127, PG)

[allegrita]

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's note: This is a very late entry to the "Insomnia" Champagne Challenge, #127. Rated PG. Beth wrestles with her demons through a long and painful night.

Some stories are born fully formed. Others require a huge amount of work. This is one of the latter, and I don't think it would ever have seen the light of day (so to speak) if it weren't for the encouragement of Lilly. Thank you for helping me make this so much more than what I originally showed you.


Insomnia

I can’t stop thinking about Jacob. And monsters.

Jacob was snatched out of his bed by a monster. He was all alone and scared in the dark. But Mick saved him. Just like he saved me.

This case brought it all back. I've been lying here for hours, staring at the shadows. I'm scared to dream — the memories are so real, every time I close my eyes. The horrible pink room with twisty stairs... the scary lady hanging onto the ceiling... the fighting... the man with kind eyes and a bloody face.

The scary lady. I know her name now, but I always think of her that way. Everything got mixed up when she took me, and nothing was ever the same after that. She said we were a family, that Mick was my new daddy. But he didn't want to be my daddy, not like that. He saved me, and took me away from her. I can still feel the heat of the fire on my face. I can see her beating her hands against the wire mesh, and then the fire goes whoosh and she’s gone.

Now my guardian angel is Jacob's guardian angel, too. And this time, maybe he saved his own grandson.

Mick might have a family. I should be happy for him… I keep telling myself that it doesn’t take anything away from what we have.

So why do I feel so alone?

Mick has always been just… mine. No ties to any human but me. He lost his family when he became a vampire. And he killed his own wife because of me. At least, he thought he did, for a long, long time. So... maybe I’m the opposite of a family for him — what’s left when you give up all hope of a real family, when you stand on the outside of life, looking in. If he is Jacob’s grandfather, where do I fit in? Robert and Jacob would give Mick a much closer connection to his humanity than anything I could ever give him. If he had his own son, his own little grandchild to care for, he would be their guardian angel. And then I’d be the one on the outside, alone in the dark.

I don’t wanna be alone.

When I was little, after he brought me back to my mom, I always felt safe. Even in the dark. I always knew my angel with teeth was out there in the night, watching. He was my very own protector. Mine. I wish they'd just leave us alone. I feel like screaming, “Go away! He doesn’t need a real family. He’s my angel!”

* * *

OK, I hope nobody can read my mind, because that was really embarrassing. But I feel a lot better after a good cry. I can't believe I'm so jealous of Jacob. He’s not my enemy, he’s just a little boy. And I know how he felt — when I saw that line of toys in his room, I knew exactly what it was, and why he put it there. It was just like my own line of defense: the army men I set up every night, standing guard around my bed in their green plastic uniforms. I know what it’s like to need protection from the things that come out of the dark. It’s not Jacob's fault there are monsters out there.

I got a weird feeling tonight, when Mick carried Jacob out of that cellar. There was blood on his face, and he was holding Jacob so carefully — it was like watching a scene out of my own life. I felt dizzy, like the world was tipping. And I can't help wondering... did he feel it too? Was he thinking about the little girl he rescued so long ago? Or was he thinking about Robert, and his friend Ray, and Robert’s mother?

Oh, yeah, that’s another thing. Robert’s mother. She’s dead, she died an old woman. So why do I want to claw her eyes out? Because he said he loved her? What is wrong with me? I don’t even know what I’m upset about anymore. Is it being kidnapped? Is it these women from his past who keep popping up? Why is it so complicated?

I wish I could talk to him. I wish I knew what he’s doing right now. I wish I knew whether he's still my guardian angel, too...

I just have to get through tonight. If I can make it till daylight, everything will be OK.

* * *

The sky is turning pink. The last time I saw the sun rise, I had just found out who Mick really was. He looked so hopeless, and he said it could never work between us. Well, I didn't give up on him, and we've worked out some really hard issues together since then. We've been through a lot, Mick and me. I'm not gonna let a bunch of old memories scare me into giving up now.

What I need is a long, hot shower — that'll wash the cobwebs out of my head. I'll still have plenty of time to stop by the coffee place for a croissant and a triple-shot latte on the way to Bionalysis.

* * *

I can’t stop thinking about Mick. And family.

He looked so sad when he told me about Ray and his wife. He thinks he betrayed his best friend... but he didn't mean to fall in love. Like he said, it just... happened. It’s not Mick’s fault that good men get hurt sometimes.

I hope Mick gets here soon — the suspense is killing me. I'm glad he asked me to pick up the DNA results. No matter what the answer is, I’ll be there for him. Just like he’s been there for me, ever since I was four. He gave up so much for my sake. He wouldn’t stop caring for me just because he had a son.

I hope Robert is his son. Mick deserves a family.

Besides… family’s not only about DNA… is it?
<>

[wpgrace]

Oh thank you so much for posting on the fanfic update thread, or I might not have realized this was new!

And OMG! How REAL this is! Apparently, like me, you've had those horrible nights where your brain just will NOT shut up and dwells upon and picks apart and magnifies every false step, every second guess, every insecurity, every self doubt until your body, your heart, and your brain all just hurt.

Tho Beth may need to get used to this. 90 years... there's more stuff to come, no doubt.
And . Not just with the "women from his past who keep popping up"... but again, he's looked like THAT for decades. Beth may have encountered the two most consequential women, but there's bound to be more lesser ladies out there too....

Really resonant, Alle. We can all identify with this moment in Beth's life and relationship with Mick. Maybe that's why it was so hard to make yourself happy with it... This is truly so REAL.

[cassysj]

I love your Beth! There are a million emotions mixed up her. Baby Beth's A woman in love, A jealous woman. She doesn't want to share her angel and I understand that.

I'm so glad to see you writing again.

[fairytoes]

Wow alle, I'm in awe. What a wonderful insight into Beth's thoughts that night. Beautifully written. This story will stick with me for a while. Thank you so much.

[jen]

Alle

This is fabulous!!!

Sure, we can all agree on those nights when our minds turn tighter and tighter circles around issues and we get wound up tighter and tighter.

Poor Beth!

She ached for Mick, and for Robert, Jacob and Ray and Lilah, too. Beth is honest enough to admit that she doesn't want to share her guardian angel with everyone, and realizes that her reaction is not very mature, but we should cut her some slack. She is still in her late twenties, and even though her life events have forced her to grow up earlier than most children, she is entitled to be a little posessive of Mick.

This was a wonderful glimpse into Beth's mind. The insecurities that threaten us in the dark often disappear like mist in the sunshine.

Thank you!

Jenna

[Lilly]

I'm so glad to see this posted!

Alle, when you first shared this idea with me, I thought it was brilliant. If ever there were a reason for insomnia, something to keep a person's thoughts churning at night, this particular one is perfect. It just begged to be explored.

I can so easily picture Beth, after hours of tossing and turning, coming to this. She's so exhausted and frustrated, she's reached the point where rational thought has given way to raw emotion. She's reverted to that frightened child we've seen in her nightmares. Only now, in the absence of dreams, her mind has pulled her back to that terrible place anyway.

Grace is right: this is REAL. You always manage to give Beth an honest voice, even when it's not particularly flattering. In many ways, with all her baggage and imperfections, she's much more complicated than Mick. She compartmentalizes and locks things away, but here we see those compartments breaking open and spilling their contents all over one another. Even so, through the course of the night, she manages to pull herself together and eventually to put Mick first.

I just love this.

[wpgrace]

I agree, Lilly. Alle's Beth is a real person. With flaws, some explainable, some just not, just like US. And she's got great stuff in there too. Just like all of us. ANd like us, she kinda knows that. So she feels worthy, sometimes, to pursue him, to have him, but she frets losing him. Wouldn't WE fret losing him if we ever coulda catched him in the first place? But she's got the balls to pursue him.

And it has always been my opinion about Beth that she was meant to be a real girl. NOT a fantasy, NOT a great beauty, NOT a siren; Sophia is pretty, but she's not a great beauty to me. She's got a real person's figure, she does NOT have a Hollywood A lister's figure; she's got hair that sometimes looks great but she has very visible bad hair days; she's got an unusual face... and her wardrobe was sometimey. She's a real person, not a fantasy. She's only a fantasy TO MICK.

Mick could GET a great beauty. A starlet. Hell, a real star. A Miss America. A porn queen. A pin up supermodel. A princess. He's got the looks and skills and time to work on and win any such person. No doubt Mick's HAD many a great beauty. It's the internals that sets Beth apart. Like Mick, she's got some real doozy flaws. But she owns her flaws and she sees his. She doesn't care about either one of em's flaws. And their flaws seem to match up. They are imperfect together. THAT"S why she is HIS fantasy.

But it still gives her sleepless nights, cuz, Jeez, how does your internal self negotiate life with Mick? Alle has always been really good about portraying that.

[darkstarrising]

Oh, Alle, what a view you've given us into Beth's psyche

Mick might have a family. I should be happy for him… I keep telling myself that it doesn’t take anything away from what we have.

So why do I feel so alone?

So honest, so afraid. What Beth has with Mick has been special...she's been the center of his universe for almost her entire life. And now, there's another child who has been saved by her guardian angel....will the center of the universe shift leaving her in the dark?

OK, I hope nobody can read my mind, because that was really embarrassing. But I feel a lot better after a good cry.

Who among us can't relate to this? Beth may be strong, clever and well-grounded, but she's also human and this is just so human a reaction. Fear and paranoia in the dark of night, sense and sensibility in the light of day.

Oh, yeah, that’s another thing. Robert’s mother. She’s dead, she died an old woman. So why do I want to claw her eyes out? Because he said he loved her? What is wrong with me? I don’t even know what I’m upset about anymore. Is it being kidnapped? Is it these women from his past who keep popping up? Why is it so complicated?

God, I love your Beth! Maybe fear and paranoia have been laid to rest, but jealousy is a different beast altogether, one not easily tamed. And if nothing else, her relationship with Mick is complicated, but in quite a lovely way.

Thank you, alle, for letting us feel with Beth.

[aolver]

I'm certainly not eloquent like everyone else here, but I appreciate your stories just as much as your other "fans". Thank you.

[librarian_7]

I do love this, Alle. It's just so BETH. to the Beth Whisperer.

When you initially told me about it, my reaction was very different as to what I thought she would be thinking about--but for Beth, you are right. Those are her thoughts, I have not one doubt.

And some of the other comments are spot on, about her flaws, and his, and how they match up.

Lucky

[Luxe de Luxe]

this is beyond good, Alle. this is so good I want to pack up my bat and ball and go home. it's like you can see right inside her head, the fears, the doubts, the humour, the courage.... argh! And it's filled with a spirit of generosity, of human understanding and compassion really. It's just really beautifully done.

[allegrita]

My dear friends, thank you so very, very much!

I was so scared to post this. It felt so disjointed, not my normal style at all. I was afraid you'd read it and think, "She's totally lost the ability to write." Stupid me... I should have trusted you. Bless you dear people for getting this.

I love Beth for her flaws, as much as I love her for her strengths. She is such an amazingly complex character. As grace said, she's a real person. And her realness means that she does some ugly stuff from time to time. She really fails sometimes. Spectacularly so, in fact. But she doesn't let her failures or her faults stop her. She scrambles back, and she goes at it again. She doesn't give up... or at least, not for long. And yeah, she and Mick complement each other. Their strengths make each other stronger, and their flaws make each other more compassionate. They are an amazingly real couple, considering that this is a vampire show we're talking about.

My main goal as a writer is for my stories to touch people. To make them think, maybe see things a little differently for a while. When a story of mine inspires a conversation, I'm absolutely thrilled. And humbled. Thank you.

Me ->

[Shadow]

I love the way you've made Beth so interesting. I always found her a more complex character than Mick -- with her complexities coming from her own personality, and his coming from his unusual background. This story makes me remember how excited I was when (sigh) they were planning future stories to explore the pasts of Mick, Josef, and Beth. I was actually the most intrigued by the thought of finding out about Beth's past.

Her thoughts on this night show that complexity, and also her basic humanity. Her jealousy of Jacob rings so true . . . it's so strong and real, even though she knows that she shouldn't feel that way. And of course she'd feel jealous of Lilah too, and have that secret wish that Robert and Jacob aren't really Mick's family.

And I know how he felt — when I saw that line of toys in his room, I knew exactly what it was, and why he put it there. It was just like my own line of defense: the army men I set up every night, standing guard around my bed in their green plastic uniforms.

I love this little detail of Beth's past, knowing that she herself set up such a perimeter for protection. It explains why she was so hypnotized by Jacob's toys in the episode, and also why she learned, later, to handle a gun. All part of protecting herself from the monsters that she knew were out there.

I particularly like the way she circles all the way around, at the end of the night, to a genuine hope that Mick will find out that these people are his family. That's Beth - her moods change so much, and she is so capable of having contradictory feelings.

[allegrita]

Oh, Shadow, thank you so very much. When I saw your most recent video, which has such a vivid What's Left Behind vibe, I felt an amazing connection to it, and to you.

I love what you said about Beth, because that's how I feel too. She is a fascinating character, both because of her basic personality (for all its positive and negative parts) and because of the incredibly traumatic things that shaped her from her earliest childhood. No sensitive child could go through what Beth experienced at the age of four, and not be profoundly affected by it. Beth became strong by refusing to deal with the demons inside her. But those demons don't ever go away, so they haunted her dreams - especially after she re-met Mick at the fountain. When she discovered, as an adult, that a lot of the demons inside her head were reflections of demons that actually existed in the world... well, then she finally began to heal. And Mick was a huge part of that. Beth came face to face with her deepest darkest fear (Coraline returned), and with the angel who kept that fear at bay (Mick). Even after Coraline was taken away, it seems to me that an experience like what happened with Jacob would bring all those demons out... and that Beth would have to face those demons all alone.

And bless her gallant heart, after a long wrestling match with her own self-doubts and insecurities, and her self-centeredness, I truly believe that Beth would come out the other side with her priorities in the right order. That's what I love about her.

[janicevictoria]

Alle,

Great story about a very vulnerable Beth. I might not agree with her thought process, but I can as a woman understand her jealousy and fear of being replaced. I don't think she realizes yet just how irreplaceable she is to Mick as he has yet to communicate that to her... And we know how good he is at that...NOT!!

Great insight with an angsty Beth-Loved it!