A Year-Long Love Letter (PG-13) - complete 7/5

[wpgrace]

This one is totally the best so far... as it is Mick finally grappling honestly, with another person, with his whole situation. Not in a sulky way, but just dealing with it, as it is, the good the bad and the ugly...

First of all, his current preoccupation with time has GOT to be a Holy Hell... he's a vampire. He's got nothing BUT time... and to be so aware of it day in day out, minute by minute, to the degree he sets himself the goal to write to her at the same time... that's gotta hurt, but in a way that he can't escape and he would embrace. So bless his heart... it also reminds me of the second chapter, I think it is, when she comes over to his place after having her cry at home... and even then he's just been pacing and hearing the tick tick tick of the clock. 114 days later, and he's heard every tick tock of every minute since then... that's gonna take its toll.

And I just love, in this story, how he so studiously refers to her, thinks of her, as his wife. No formal ceremony... they just declared it so and that's all he needs. It's true in his heart so it's true. How very Mick. Romantic to the nth degree.

And he's had to endure Beth's birthday alone... now his other anniversary alone. Not what he was expecting for this particular year... but he expressed himself so well to Beth now... he really does not have any secrets left it seems. Again, bless his heart. And sigh.

[redwinter101]

coco, I loved writing this one. I do think Mick is Mr. Introspective and would never have spoken this aloud to Beth. The letters give him a way to tell her without actually having to do it.

mitzie, you're very kind and I'm delighted you liked this one. I think Mick is finding everything harder to cope with and his wedding anniversary is just one more obstacle to overcome.

kelly, in Afterglow, I do think Mick had moved on quite a bit towards accepting who he is and why he and Beth belong together, but you're right, the time apart is making all of that clearer and clearer to him.

lorig, thank you so much. Perfect is a big word...

Lisa, this:

He had to go through hell to find his heaven.

is beautiful. Such a wonderful way of describing Mick's journey. *loves Lisa*

alle, that's precisely the mental image I had of Mick during this story. Alone with his thoughts, reliant on the outlet of writing to Beth to work things out and to feel that connection. And what a lovely thought about Josef - I'd like to think you're right. Thank you, as always for your time and insight.

Grace, the relentlessness of time is, I think, the one thing that vampires can't fight, can't overcome. Imagine the weight of it? And poor Mick feels every second. But as you say, he's dealing - because he promised that's what he would do. The husband and wife theme was one that I thought seemed so appropriate for them - they live outside the rest of the world's routines and strictures so, as you say, their commitment to each other was all they needed for it to be real. Bless him indeed.

Red

[francis]

Another great insight into Mick, another step of growing and waiting. Everything that happened changed his outlook on life, and this forced separation is just another way of learning, even when it's a very hard one.
To me it seems that Mick is starting to accept things, finds ways to cope, like the ritual of writing to Beth. It's like meeting her, like a date.
I love how you capture so much in a short letter. A life of pain and guilt and remorse finds a purpose because he has Beth now. And even when she's not there in body, she's there in spirit and it's enough to tide him over. Wonderful!

[redwinter101]

Thanks, francis. It isn't all going to be about acceptance though - as the year moves on, there are tougher times ahead... and ultimately, of course, happiness.

Red

[Fleur de Lisa]

red---For some reason, I just haven't been reading much fanfic lately--just not having the time or the inclination like I used to, I guess. However, I read this last letter again. (so that tells you something!) There are just certain things that I read that just stick with me, and this is one of them. It's like when you have a particularly strong dream that hangs with you all day, like an echo? This letter is like that for me. It really struck a chord with my heart and mind, and won't let go.
Probably because it is so true. No artifice. I can see this as plain as day.

And to you!

[redwinter101]

Lisa, I confess your comment made me very happy and a little sad. I love that this rang so true for you - that's what I've aimed for with all these letters, for them to be a window onto Mick's thoughts - but I'm sad that fanfic is losing its pull. You're one of the very small group of readers who have supported me for such a long time - and whose reactions I wait with anticipation every time I post something new. And, inevitable as I suppose it is as time passes, it makes me sad that the thrill isn't as strong for you any more.

But, as you say, it makes it precious when something touches your heart, like this letter.

Red

[Fleur de Lisa]

red~~Trust me when I say that there are a handful of authors that I will always read--and you are definitely at the top of that list. You won't be losing my support.

I know that I have told you before, when I feel like I am losing a bit of the desire to read ML fic, I read something of yours, and I get pulled right back in again. (I think I just paraphrased a line from "The Godfather"!)

It may wax and wane, but I always get pulled back in to the world of ML.

[redwinter101]

*loves Lisa to pieces - and not in a scary Godfather-type way*

It was with a reasonable amount of shock the other day that I realised quite how much stuff I now have posted here. So, um, plenty of re-readable material, for when the mood strikes...

Red

[redwinter101]

This takes place immediately before chapter 8

Day 146


Hey,

It finally feels like we're making some progress - real progress. I can't believe it's taken this long but we're starting to narrow the field, identify the people who are really important - the decision-makers and power-brokers. It looks like there's a group of about ten, spread all over the city, with contacts all over the country. So much effort to get to this point and it only now feels like we're getting started on the real work.

It's good news. I should be happy but I can't stop thinking that it shouldn't be this hard. The more we uncover, the deeper and wider it goes, the more I think how insane this all is, you know? These people, with their "mission", their judgements, their decisions - all I want to do is live my life with you. It shouldn't be this hard. Maybe it has to be, who knows? I hope this means we're getting close to the end. God I hope to see you soon, my love.

I'm sorry this is so brief - it's been a long night and I need to rest. As always, I pray for dreams of you.

M

[redwinter101]

This is Beth's letter to Mick, that he is just about to receive (in chapter 8).

Mick, my love,

Forgive me for breaking the rules. I couldn't send my research to Josef without taking the risk of writing to you. I talked myself into and out of sending this a hundred times, but, in the end, I just had to. If you're reading this, then it was worth it.

I could recount the day-to-day details of where I am, what I'm doing, how work is. Truth is, all of that is just marking time, filling the hours and days until we can be together again. Washington's fine. My job's fine. I'm taking care of myself. You don't need to worry.

I miss you so much. I look at those words written down and they look so small to describe the size of the ache in my heart. I feel you with me, I hold you in my heart and in my thoughts every moment; you are in my dreams and in everything I do. But I long to see you, to hear your voice, to touch your beautiful face, to feel your hands on me, your lips to mine. I feel like the days are passing by in a blur but still the time goes so slow.

I think of Ray and Lila often, how terrible their separation must have been for them, for all of you, not knowing if you would see each other again. This feels like our own private war and I know that we can get through this. Part of me screams out that it shouldn't be this hard, but maybe it has to be this way. I know that I will never waste another single moment with you. We will be together again.

I love you. I need you. I am yours forever.

Beth

[redwinter101]

This takes place immediately after chapter 8

Day 150


Beth,

Today started badly and got worse - for the first time since you left, I'm glad you weren't here, that you didn't have to see. I know you've spoken to Josef and he's given you the highlights but before I go on, I'm fine. Absolutely fine, okay? There's no need to worry.

People who know about vampires think we're different because we don't have to worry about dying. I realised today that's not what makes us different. Most people don't live every day of their lives in fear of death either. No. What makes us different, what makes us arrogant and what made me careless today, is that we don't fear pain. Sure it hurts if we get injured, but we know it'll only be for a second before we heal. Eventually we, I, forget what pain feels like and what it can do to you. It's easy to take risks, to act first, when you're not afraid.

I got one hell of a reminder today. I've been following this guy, Carlyle, one of the leaders, and I screwed up. I didn't notice he'd changed his security and they got the drop on me. I should have seen it - but I didn't and it cost me dear. They were ready for me, or for someone like me, loaded with silver, and as soon as they clocked me they started shooting. I think I was too surprised to even react and before I knew it I was lying in the street, not knowing which way was up and there was blood everywhere, so much blood. My blood, spilling out onto the sidewalk and this strange gurgling noise coming from close by - it took me a while to realise that it was me, choking. No-one came to help - and no-one came to finish me off either. I guess they thought they'd done enough. Some of the details are blurry but I can remember the pain, the slow burn, the fear that it wouldn't end. That instant when all I wanted was for it to stop, just for a second so I could get my breath. I could feel my body shutting down, my mind starting to wander and for a moment, just a moment, I thought about staying there - just lying there and letting the silver do its work. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why. Sitting here now I know that's not what I want - I want you, to be with you. But for those few seconds, the thought of not having to fight any more tempted me. I guess I'm not as strong as you hoped.

Somehow I managed to make it to Josef's and his doctor fixed me up. It wasn't pretty. Turns out I'd taken six shots and I was a mess. Even Josef was scared - which isn't something I ever want to see again. As soon as the silver was out, I started to heal and the pain was gone. But I'll remember. Strange as it sounds, and as scared as I was, it made me feel human again.

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself by this time - I was tired, beat up and I felt small and afraid. I'm afraid every day since you left but that's different, a nagging ache that sits under my skin; sometimes it catches me, like something out of the corner of my eye, but most of the time I force it down. When something happens like today, it bubbles to the surface and takes over.

Once I'd got myself together, I finally got some answers from Josef. Turns out you've made the Carlyle connection too. He's furious (amusingly so, but I'd never tell him that) and he ranted for a while about how you'd put us all in danger. He was just freaked out that I'd bled all over his carpet - and that he thought I was going to die. I know he told you to back off and leave it to us. I don't know if you will or not - and I don't care. Knowing that you're making the same connections tells me we're all on the right track. I just hope you're being more careful than I was. You have to keep safe. You have to.

When Josef finally calmed down enough to give me the details, he gave me your letter. I think he'd thought about hiding it from me - for my own good or some other reason only he can understand - but he handed it over eventually. He's already called me twice since to make sure I'm okay. And I am - more than okay. God I needed this, so badly. I didn't know quite how badly until I read it. Since you left I haven't been in our room, our bed. I've kept away from the reminders - the things I can touch and smell and feel. The things that I thought would bring me to my knees. I had to - I wasn't strong enough to have you so close but still out of reach. But today I took your letter and went upstairs for the first time. I finally stopped trying to pretend it wasn't happening - because that's what I've been doing; convincing myself that if I stayed away, it wasn't real. Pretty dumb.

I should never have waited so long. As soon as I stepped into the bedroom it was like you were there with me. The air still smelled of your perfume. Your clothes in the closet, ready for you to pull them out - all of them at the same time probably; our bed, unmade, like we'd just got up. I swear when I climbed in, it felt warm. As I read, I could hear your voice, speaking your words of love to me, for me. You were here. You touched me, you held me - we were making love and it was amazing. I felt alive again.

And then you were gone and here I am alone, reaching out to you. I know it wasn't just my imagination - I felt you and I know you felt me too. A connection that strong can't be broken - not by pain, by separation, by fear, by time. It goes on. We go on.

I love you. It'll be okay.

Mick

[Moonlightsonata]

This was an exceptionally powerful letter. I remember when this part came up in the story. Thankfully Mick was able to manage to get to Josef's before it was too late, but here we see that at one point he was just thinking of giving up. Beth really appears to be the stronger one in this story.

Josef gave Mick Beth's letter and finally he was able to go back to their bedroom which he had stayed away from since she left. All the emotions he feels, the smells, all of that is so well written and heartfelt. Thank you.

[wpgrace]

It's good news. I should be happy but I can't stop thinking that it shouldn't be this hard.

Part of me screams out that it shouldn't be this hard, but maybe it has to be this way.

I love the parallels in the first two... they both wrote, not knowing what the other was gonna say...

And the one after his "incident" is amazingly frank, for Mick particularly...

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself by this time - I was tired, beat up and I felt small and afraid. I'm afraid every day since you left but that's different, a nagging ache that sits under my skin; sometimes it catches me, like something out of the corner of my eye, but most of the time I force it down. When something happens like today, it bubbles to the surface and takes over.

And the fact that he can see how much Josef was worried about him... well, chilling, given the eventual outcome... for the three...

[Fleur de Lisa]

My heart leaps back and forth from despair for them, to the unwavering belief that everything will be just fine. Although they have been apart for a significant amount of time, they are actually getting closer to one another--that is the power of their love. They are suffering without one another, but the strength they feel from the love they share is becoming more and more evident as time goes on. So is the honesty. When would Mick ever have shared his horror story of being shot full of silver? Or not freaked out that Beth was involving herself more and more in investigating this situation? They are far past 'staying in the car'.

The longer they are separated, the stronger their relationship becomes. What a beautiful rarity.

[MickLifeCrisis]

I caught up with four letters (including Beth's from before). Only cried during the last two. (Must be a record for me. ) But all of them pull at my heartstrings. The idea of Mick setting a time every day to write to Beth, and then counting the hours till then. I can see that some days that must weigh on him, but others I hope it brings him comfort... something to look forward to.

Then Beth's letter, and Mick's following it. I lost it. I remember that chapter when he went into their room to read her letter. It was so sad at the time, but now that he realizes he shouldn't have stayed away so long. And Mick apologizing for momentarily wanting to give up when he was lying there bleeding and full of silver...

But this:

I know it wasn't just my imagination - I felt you and I know you felt me too. A connection that strong can't be broken - not by pain, by separation, by fear, by time. It goes on. We go on.

How perfect. Indeed, we all just go on.

Thanks for continuing these, Red.