Pensive (PG-13)

[librarian_7]

Disclaimer: Yeah, I believe I’ve said this once or twice before, but if you recognize it from your tv, I don’t own it. Okay?

Pensive

Josef poured himself a fresh drink and thought that one of the down sides of being nocturnal, was that there came that hour almost every night, somewhere around four or five a.m., when the whole world seemed to be shut down, when the loneliness set in with dull claws, working on him in a way that was entirely without pity. When business, parties, and books palled and he was left with ghosts and thoughts.

On the whole, he was happy to be what he was, who he was. He’d said it before, he wouldn’t go back to being human, if he had the choice.

Suppose his sire hadn’t seen potential in him? Suppose he’d been left to live out a mortal life? He’d made it through the uncertainties of disease and war to reach the middle of his twenties. How much longer could he really have expected? Ten years, fifteen perhaps, before the frost of age blighted him. If he had the good fortune to avoid other forms of death. And then what? The inevitable slide into decay. He’d have taken a wife, he supposed. Maybe more. Women died in childbirth with distressing regularity. He might have had a mistress or six; it was almost expected. But chances were he’d never have found women as beautiful, as clever, as loving as the ones he’d fed from and bedded, these four hundred years.

Which made him turn his thoughts toward human women. Sometimes he called one of his freshies, about now. A little pick-me-up, or a nightcap, more accurately. He did a quick mental scroll down the list of availables, but none especially appealed. He wanted, well, he might as well be honest about what he wanted. He pulled his phone out, and called.

Lucky came in a few minutes later, tousled and sleepy, flowing into his arms for a kiss. “It’s been awhile since you called me for night duty, Josef.”

He ran his hands over her bare arms, the satin covering her body. “Do you mind? I really only wanted some company.”

Lucky pulled in a deep breath. “Not at all. Perhaps I could sit on your lap and discuss literature. We haven’t done that in a long time.”

“Do you miss those days?”

“Now you’re being silly. Do you remember all the teasing I put you through?”

“Fondly.”

“You didn’t always seem so thrilled, at the time.”

“Of course not. How else was I going to spur you on to greater effort?” He was laughing at her she knew, but it was gentle.

“Pfft.”

He had moved them, as they talked, close to the couch, and sat down, guiding her onto his lap. She sighed, content.

Josef was disinclined to talk, and Lucky was willing to follow that lead, silently resting against his broad chest. For his part, he was thinking back on the centuries of humans, the many hearts he’d listened to, as they beat out the quick tattoo of their mortality.

And the one heartbeat that he thought mattered. The one he had shaped his whole life around, these past fifty-five years. He’d told Mick once, that when he met Sarah, that he’d thought it was the whole reason he’d become a vampire, to live long enough to meet her. And he still loved her, despite the circumstances that separated them. But it was coming to him, gradually, that before Sarah, and after, there had been others. Not so loved, never so loved, but remembered, regarded.

They had come to him in every shade of emotion, from abject fear to heated desire, from need to indifference, to love. And he had received them all, used some, cherished others. Faces blurred in time, events blended and collapsed together, even names were lost. Blood remembered blood, and they were all with him, these long lonely nights.

Lucky stirred slightly in his arms, settling closer, her warm weight comforting. He wondered. What would happen, if his phone rang, right now, with news that Sarah had awakened from her long sleep?

He would go to her, of course. Fly to her side, cursing the slowness of his private jet with every moment that dragged by. Probably pacing so fast he’d walk all the way from L.A. to New York. He’d always had a fantasy that she would awaken like a princess in a fairy tale, at the touch of his cool lips on hers, but he’d take any waking that brought her back to him. And then, what? He would teach her how to feed, how to live in his world, and they would build a life together, forever.

Wasn’t that the point? The way he’d lived his life since she slipped away between? So that he could drop everything without a moment’s notice, and without a pang of regret. Even now, he had identities created, for both of them. All it would take would be a word from Sarah, and a new life awaited, in London, in Sydney, in Paris. Even in New York, if that’s what she preferred. Hell, he didn’t care if she wanted to move to Smolensk, as long as she was with him, and he could hear her laughter, feel her kiss again.

She had been so accepting of his nature. But she’d never seen him with freshies like the ones he had now, people he’d learned affection for, women he cared for, who cared for him. If she knew what had passed between him and this mortal woman in his arms, what would she say? Would she learn to be accepting of it all? He wondered what he’d think about her holding a young man in her arms, drinking his blood. He’d always thought that he would share his mortal pets with Sarah; he’d done as much without thought, in the past, with friends and vampire lovers.

He leaned his cheek against Lucky’s red hair, thought of her white neck, thought of the idea of any other fangs piercing that skin. He didn’t like it. It was a sobering thought. If Sarah awoke, he knew he would have to put Lucky far away from him. She would never be unprotected, never alone, but for everyone’s sake, he would have to break her heart. It was the pragmatic solution. The “do what’s best for Josef Kostan” solution. And he wondered when that had ceased to be the most favored option. She was not Sarah, not even close, but she’d come to be something more than another human pet. He’d walk away, and he tried to tell himself, it would be with no remorse. Everyone lies, he thought with a sour smile, but he really shouldn’t be working so hard at lying to himself. Although maybe it was less of a regret than he thought at the moment.

After all, Lucky was human. And however much she was willing, warm and delicious now, it was temporary. Everything human was temporary. They would part, of course, in any event. A few brief years, and Lucky would want to leave him. He knew that. He’d seen it. The desire for a normal relationship. A family. The increasing estrangement from his other freshies, as he acquired younger donors. It was part of the good reason for building a wall around his heart, for not letting a human close. He’d well and truly blown that, this time. His arm tightened a little around Lucky. He wasn’t letting go of this one. Not yet. Not yet, no matter what. The idea of making a choice…well, there was no choice, when Sarah was involved. He scoffed a little, a small noise in the back of his throat.

Lucky stirred a little and reached up to graze her fingertips across his cheek. “It’s all right,” she said.

“What?”

“Whatever.”

“How do you figure that?” His voice was a low rumble in his chest, amused.

“Because I’m here, and you’re here, and the night is almost over,” she said. “Right now, we have each other, and that’s all we need. For now.”

Not for the first time, Josef wished that time would stop, and the dawn would never come.

[ari]

Lovely moment! I love the way you write Josef, and his relationship with Lucky

Thank you for another look into their lives

[francis]

Oh, Librarian, this is great. Pensive Josef, in the time when the night is darkest and the most silent. I love how you give us his thoughts about Sarah and what would happen. And Lucky really gets his mood and what he needs.

the many hearts he’d listened to, as they beat out the quick tattoo of their mortality

I loved this metaphor.

Thank you for giving us Lucky. And Josef, even if you didn't invent him, is more here than he was in the show.

[one.zebra]

*1z's heart is all squeezed* How do you do that with these two..she wonders...

[tucutecats]

Joseph and Lucky. too souls in tune with each other.perfection. liz

[darkstarrising]

Lucky, your view into Josef's mind shows us just how he sees himself in the universe

Everything human was temporary.

and he is not. Yet this warm, loving human that comes to him whenever he needs her, and gives willingly whatever he will take, has broken down the walls he has built around his heart. The fact that he acknowledges that she isn't Sarah, but is still precious to him is telling.

He’d well and truly blown that, this time. His arm tightened a little around Lucky. He wasn’t letting go of this one. Not yet. Not yet, no matter what. The idea of making a choice…well, there was no choice, when Sarah was involved. He scoffed a little, a small noise in the back of his throat.

No choice, huh? If Sarah ever were to awaken, he might just find the choice harder than he thinks....either way, Lucky will be there for him.

Thank you, Lucky

[eris]

Everything human was temporary.

And that's the crux of it. Humanity is transient, and that's its draw. That's what makes it precious. Even if Sarah were to wake, she wouldn't be the same Sarah who went into the coma, and he wouldn't be the Charles she remembered. If he were to ignore Lucky's earlier assertion that she didn't want to be turned, the vampire Lucky became wouldn't be the Lucky she was before.

Sure, their personalities would be the same at first, but what drives them is different. Freshies understand the need for secrecy, but it's more a 3rd party danger. They don't want to endanger their vampires. Vampires take it 1st hand. They're secretive to keep themselves safe. Someone going from one side of the line to the other shifts that way of thinking.

There's no way to feed fresh and keep a 2 person dynamic exclusive. The old vampire has to learn to share the new one with whomever the new one feeds on, and that means the new vampire who used to solely partake of the old one's attention now partakes of many. They're less precious in a way. The wonder fades when they're no longer on the outside. Their viewpoint quickly becomes the same and the vampire doesn't have the other perspective any more.

It's a bit of a loss of innocence akin to going from child to to teen to adult. The magic's gone when know how the tricks work. And there's no sense admiring something now when you know it'll still be around in 400 years.

[Luxe de Luxe]

aah, haven't we all become a little melancholic in those empty reaches of the night? this is a really valuable insight into Josef's mind as he begins to grapple with the real significance of Lucky to his life. He tells himself he'll put her away, but recognises the wrench he'd feel if he did, and seems to accept this.

'Pensive' is one more movement in the subtle dance of their relationship that you're weaving Lucky. Here Josef seems to be heading one way, but in dance, we all know that a change of direction is only a pivot away. Thought provoking stuff.

[jenstc2003]

This is fantastic, Lucky! Can't wait to see where else your tales will take us!

[RangerCM]

When Josef admits to Mick that he "gets lonely," it would appear that it is a loneliness of his own creation. Beautifully explained here:

Wasn’t that the point? The way he’d lived his life since she slipped away between? So that he could drop everything without a moment’s notice, and without a pang of regret.

Is he ready to question that decision? I think he's well past that point where he could drop Mick's friendship without regret, but might there be someone else eventually? Even if it's not Lucky, I think his developing relationship with her is helping him move on to a new level in his existence that might allow true love with someone other than Sarah.

Beautifully written.

[MickLifeCrisis]

This was beautiful, Lucky! And Lucky always seems to know just what Josef needs at any given moment, and is there to provide it, be it a touch, a word, whatever. I'm with O.Z... this squeezed my heart!

[MoonShadow]

"Not for the first time, Josef wished that time would stop, and the dawn would never come."


That's the bitterness of it, the march of time against the immortal endless gift of love.
Lucky,
You've created another beautiful snippet of Josef. Thank you so very much.
MS

[LadyAilith]

It says a lot about Lucky when she tells Josef that it's all right. It's as though she can see into his soul and see what's troubling him.

Thank you so very much for these wonderful stories. Each and every one is a gem in its own right.

LadyAilith

[PNWgal]

Oh Lucky...

In this one, you bring me right back to that inner turmoil I have a tendency to feel with it comes to Josef and Lucky, but this time I find myself far more irritated with Josef than Lucky.

While his love for Sarah is admirable, this line makes you sit up and take notice:

And the one heartbeat that he thought mattered.

Yet if Sarah came back to him, what would become of Lucky?

She was not Sarah, not even close, but she’d come to be something more than another human pet.

Here's where my irritation starts to notch up - I still can't get past the feeling that Lucky allows herself to be a substitue for Sarah....but this makes me unbelievably sad:

After all, Lucky was human. And however much she was willing, warm and delicious now, it was temporary. Everything human was temporary. They would part, of course, in any event.

The practicality of this is almost cold-hearted...yet necessary. While Josef will remain, Lucky won't.

And the dance between these two continues...

Lovely, Lucky.

[moonlight_vixen]

This was beautiful Lucky! I adored it